Chapter Nineteen

How She Pushed Him Away

 

“Hey baby.. Sorry I missed you.  Are you out wreaking havoc with Finn? If so, I’ll be sure to check the tabloids in the morning.. Anyway, just getting into bed now and wanted to wish you a good night, love.  It’s been a crazy few hours so I’ll probably pass out soon.  Let me know when you get this.  Alright, love you.. Stay out of trouble.  Bye.”

“Hey, it’s me.. I was expecting some dirty pictures in The Sun this morning but.. just saw pictures of you shopping with your brother.. You didn’t call me back, you pain in the arse.  Did you stay out too late? Sleeping in today, I presume.. Old lady.  Anyway, yeah.. I’m heading out for a full day of fly missions so just leave me a message.  I wanna hear about what you’ve been up to, okay? Alright, then.. Love you, baby.  Call me.  I miss you..”

“Sending out a search party to find your arse.  What’s going on? Everything okay? Haven’t heard from you.. Have you become too busy for a quick hello to your boyfriend? Can’t say I’m not wounded, love.  But yeah.. Is everything alright over there? Listen, call me.  Love you.  Bye..”

“Annalisa? Are you avoiding me? Call me back, will you? Okay, bye..”

Pressing end on the mobile screen, Anna let out a shaky breath, slowly peeling her exhausted eyes open.  She hadn’t slept much over the past couple days, allowing her fatigued body the couple hours of sleep it required to keep going.

She sat back on the sofa, gathering up every ounce of strength she had in her to keep breathing, to keep her thoughts from wandering to a dark place.  She had just gotten back from dropping Finn off as he made the journey back to the States.

It had been a pleasant visit, filled with laughter and fun that she needed to have with him, being apart for so long.  Everything had been going well.  Until that moment when he had confessed the true meaning behind his surprise appearance.

She replayed the moment over and over like a broken record.

———-

“Annalisa… I’m getting deployed.”

Finn stared at her, waiting for his confession to sink in.  She stared back blankly, blinking rapidly. He saw the way her breath hitched when he had uttered the dreaded words and he braced himself for the outburst of rage.

But it didn’t come.

She turned to gaze down below them, where tourists still lined up to get on The Eye.  She studied the massive amount of people around; couples walking hand in hand with beaming smiles, circles of friends laughing into the night, carefree.  Unbeknownst to them, just a few feet above, a stranger’s world was crashing down.  She had never been a jealous person when it came to witnessing happiness that wasn’t her own.  But right then, she envied them.

“Anna?” He whispered.  “You’re killing me here..“ She turned to him and his stomach clenched at the sadness that consumed her amber eyes.  “I know what you’re thinking..”

“Do you?” She asked, emotionless.

Telling the rest of the family had been tough, for sure.  His mother, grandmother and sister-in-law had cried, hanging onto him tightly.  His brothers and brother-in-law had hugged him, voicing their approval.  His father had looked at him with pride for the first time, shaking his hand before pulling him into a fatherly embrace.

But telling Anna was different.  She was the most important woman in his life, after his mother. She was his baby sister, the one he would call up for advice.. for pep talks.  She never belittled him for dropping out of college after a semester.  She had never made him feel worthless as he struggled to keep a steady job.  He wanted, no, he needed her approval.  He wanted her to be proud of him. But she still had some underlying issues with losing Ben.

He practiced how he would tell her in different ways, losing much sleep over it.  At first he had planned to call her or send her a message, but he quickly decided against it.  This was not something that should be discussed over the telephone or through email.

Finn sighed.  ”I’m not Ben,” he said, defensively.  ”I’m not going to get myself killed out there, Annalisa.”

“I know that,” She croaked out, her shaky voice cracking at the last word.  “How long have you known?“

“A couple months,” he replied.

Surprise came over her features, the first emotion she showed after the news.  ”A couple months?!” She asked, incredulously.

Finn cringed at the reaction. “I was going to tell you sooner but this was the first time I’ve been able to get out here between all the training and preparations..”

Anna nodded, fully understanding the process.  ”Do..” She trailed.

“Yeah, they know.”

“Everyone?” She asked, calmly.

“Yeah..”

She nodded again, inhaling deeply before releasing the air in a slow exhale.  ”For how long?”

“Right now I’m contracted to be in Afghanistan for six months starting the Friday after Thanksgiving.  But.. if they need longer, I’ll be there for as long as they say.” He paused, clearing his throat.  “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.. I just thought, I don’t know, that you’d want to hear it after we spent a few days to catch up and.. enjoy that stupid list you made of shit to do.“

A flick of a smile appeared on her face.  ”Don’t hate on my genius itinerary.  You had a good time.” She licked her lips, her eyes softening.  ”You don’t have to apologize, Finn.  I appreciate that you waited to make sure we had a good time.”

“I’m still sorry..” Finn shrugged.  “I just,“ he lowered his voice.  “I don’t know..”

“What?”

He puffed out a breath that was laced with a nervous laugh.  ”I guess I just want to be someone that you’re proud of.. that you look up to.  I am your big brother, after all.  And sometimes I feel like you’re older than I am.”

“Hey,” Anna bumped his shoulder with hers.  “I am super proud you, Finn.  Of course I look up to you.. I always have.  Who else tries as hard as you do to take my champ title?“

“Ha!” He laughed, grateful for light she was trying to make of the situation.  “That’s where you’re wrong, sis.  I don’t have to try, you just suck.“

Anna wrinkled her nose in disagreement before she turned serious.  ”I know you’re not Ben, Finn. Ben was still so young and green.  He went over there without the life experience that you are.  And I am so proud of you.  You are the bravest person I’ve ever known, do you know that?”

His chest felt constricted with anxiety.  ”Even if I admit I’m terrified out of my fucking mind?”

Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes as she felt the lump in her throat tighten with each passing second.  She was scared, too.  Petrified.  She couldn’t stand the thought of losing him, too.

“I think it would be weird if you weren’t scared.” She gave him a warm smile, reaching to cover his hand with hers.  “So what brought you to decide on..?“

“Joining the Marines?” He finished for her.  “You know, I’ve been.. struggling with who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing here.  I’ve been bartending and taking on meaningless jobs since I can remember.“ He sighed, running his fingers through his dark hair.  “It’s no secret of how shaky my relationship with Dad is.  He doesn’t approve of my choices and.. I don’t know..”

“Dad loves you, you know that.”

“I do,” he said, casting his eyes down.  “We got into some stupid argument about where I was going.. and how I’m supposed to act like a man.. and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.“ He spat out, the bitter taste of failure on his tongue. “You know how he’s always quick to mention how much of a disappointment I am.  You guys are all successful with careers and I’m just the fucking loser that goes from job to job and has his mommy do his laundry.”

“Hey,” she softly said.  “You are not a loser, Finn.“

“Yeah, okay,” he barked out a dry laugh.  “But anyway.. we got into a fight, I stormed off and drove around the city, cooling off.  And for some reason, Ben and Grandpa just came to mind randomly and I turned to my right.. and right there, right in front of my fucking eyes, is a recruiting center.“

“Wow,” Anna breathed out.

“Yeah,” Finn said.  “It was like.. as cheesy as it sounds.. It was like fate staring me in the fucking face.“

Anna pondered his words.  She had worked hard for years, studying and interning at different hospitals.  Getting an offer from Great Osmond had almost fallen into her lap.  Her Chief of Nursing had put in a word for her when contacted for any high quality nurses willing to transfer.  It was around the time where a change of scenery was needed to get herself out of the dark hole she had fallen into.

If she hadn’t accepted the offer, she would have never moved to London.  She would probably be stuck in that townhouse, surrounded with memories of what life used to be.  She would have never met Harry.

Was that fate?

“I’ve been waiting for an epiphany like that.  And during all the training, I felt like I was finally where I was meant to be, ya know?”

The breath of fresh air she felt as she stepped off the plane and onto London grounds came flooding back to her.  She felt new, refreshed.. like she was where she was meant to be as he said.

She squeezed his hand in understanding.  ”I love you, Finny.”

He rolled his eyes.  ”I hate it when you call me that.”

Anna grinned.  ”I know.  That’s why I do.”

Finn chuckled.  Silence settled between them as they neared the end of their ride, their carriage just a few stops away from the ground.  Anna turned to him again, surprised to find him leaning over to give her a hug.  He wrapped his arms around her shoulder as hers went around him.

“I’ll be okay,” he promised.

They made the journey back to her flat after they stepped off and away from the crowds, falling into heavy silence.  Once they entered her apartment, they were both exhausted and ready for sleep.  But neither could separate for the night just yet, both longing to spend as much time with each other while they still could.  

After changing into their night wear, they plopped down on her sofas and chatted while nursing steaming mugs of hot cocoa.  They spent that night talking about their family and reminiscing their childhood, sharing their fondest memories of Ben.  

“Do you remember that time when we were kids when Luke put Ben hanging on the hook on the back of his door?” Finn asked, cackling as he recalled the memory.

“Oh my god, yes! Ha!” Anna snorted behind her mug before taking a small sip.

“And he threatened us not to rat him out to Ma or he’d tell Dad some dumb shit that he’d make up.” Anna nodded, giggling behind the hand that covered her mouth.  “And it took Ma like a half hour to notice he wasn’t around so she started looking for him.“ He chuckled.  

“And we’re all just staring at her as she’s going crazy, calling his name and asking us where he is.”

“God, we were awful,” she cringed.  “I can still hear him say mommy when she started crying, searching his room.“

“Shit, the look on her face.  She tried so hard not to laugh so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed when she turned the door and saw him hanging there.”

They sat there quietly, going back in time to a happier time when their family was complete.  Nostalgic smiles appeared on their faces, eyes cast down as they played the scene back to themselves, the resonating sound of Ben’s small childlike voice causing their chests to constrict.

At one point, her phone began vibrating on the coffee table, lighting up with a grinning Harry displayed on the caller ID.  She quickly glanced at it before turning her attention back to Finn.  

Finn looked at her curiously.  ”Aren’t you going to answer your loverboy?”

“Not tonight,” she answered, sharply.  Finn furrowed his brows together, searching her for any indication of what was going through her closed off mind.  He had spent enough time with her to see how she would dive for her phone at the possibility of catching a quick conversation (that mostly consisted of back and forth flirtation) with Harry.  She kept a grip or a watchful eye on her mobile at all times for that reason.  She never missed a call.

“Anna,” he started, knowing all too well that she was reverting back to her old habit of surrounding herself with internal walls when she was emotionally distressed.  He felt the pang of guilt of being the cause of it, another reason why he was hesitate to confess to her of his career choice.  He had seen her emotionally struggle for years, witnessed her shutting herself off from the family and the very small group of people she associated with in college.  

It hadn’t been easy, the family gathering together to get her some help with counseling.  They had all been worried, fearful of losing her completely.  And after a lengthy amount of time in therapy, he was ecstatic to catch a glimpse of the old Anna again.  And nothing made him more proud of her than to see her bravely pick herself up and move to another country, starting fresh.

But now, as she avoided Harry’s call, he was afraid of losing her again; he couldn’t bear the thought of her putting up those high walls once again and hiding in her shell.  He refused to allow that to happen.  Not after seeing how happy she was with Harry; how much she laughed, how her eyes sparkled at the mention of him.  He needed her to stay that happy.

Annalisa cleared her throat, feeling the change in the atmosphere as he pondered quietly.  He didn’t have to voice his thoughts, she could hear them clearly.  ”It’s just you and me, bud,” she cut him off before diving deep into another story of when they were kids.  ”Remember when…”

——

The next two days had flown by, despite their desperate wishes to prolong the inevitable.  They barely left her flat, spending the time going through photographs she kept in organized photo albums, viewing home videos her mother had sent her on DVDs, and collaborating on music.

The last evening of his stay, they couldn’t mask the sadness.  Annalisa was folding his newly clean laundry as Finn arranged his suitcase to fit the souvenirs he was taking back.

“You seriously need a woman in your life,” Anna teased, shaking off the wrinkles of a gray shirt.

Finn glanced up from where he was bent over his luggage.  ”I have several,” he retorted, smirking.

Anna rolled her eyes.  ”You’re disgusting.”

“Really? ‘Cause I have references that beg to differ.”

“They’re obviously blind,” she joked.

“Well, I don’t discriminate.  There have been a few Helen Keller roleplayers.” Finn snickered as he easily caught the pair of socks she whipped at him.

“Ew.. I don’t want to hear about that!” She covered her ears, her nose scrunched up in repulsion.

“Right,” he cocked a brow.  “Just like I want to hear about Nurse Peaches?“ Anna eyes bugged, a deep flush from humiliation heating her skin.  “You have Gabe to thank for that.”

“I fucking hate him,” she muttered.

“Yeah, you and me both,” he shuddered at the image.

The shrill sound of her mobile coming to life filled the flat.  Finn paused his task of packing, discreetly eying her reaction.  Anna chewed the inside of her cheek indecisively as the mobile continued to ring out, Harry displayed on the screen.  After awhile, the call went to voicemail and she turned back to the laundry basket.

Finn shook his head.  He couldn’t avoid the conversation any longer.  ”You’re dodging,” he blurted out.

“What?” She questioned, absentmindedly.

“Now you’re avoiding me.” Finn tossed a stack of London pencils and pens on top of the collection of magnets in his open suitcase before straightening and crossing his arms.  “Annalisa.”

She quickly glanced at him before bringing her attention back on the pair of jeans she was folding, being extra courteous to smooth out the creases.  “Hm?”

“Don’t do this,” he said, sternly.

Anna sighed.  ”What?”

“Listen..” He trailed, unsure of how to begin, careful not to cause a rift between them.

She turned to him fully, looking at him expectantly with her eyebrows raised.  “Listening..”

“Harry… he’s a good guy.”

“Yes, I know that..?” She played dumb.  She knew exactly where he was going with this.

“Don’t act stupid.  He’s good for you.  He makes you happy.  Don’t fuck that up.”

Anna let out a dry laugh.  ”Seriously? That’s your advice? Oh, I bow down to you, all wise one.”

He narrowed his eyes.  ”Don’t be a bitch.”

“Don’t be a dickwad.”

Finn threw the same pair of socks she threw at him earlier back at her, hitting her square in the nose.  ”My nose!” They both looked at each other with stony expressions before it crumbled and they busted out into uncontrollable laughter.  “Oh god, I can’t..” She laughed, wiping her eyes.

Finn cackled, arms resting on his bent knees as he fought to catch his breath.  ”Oh, my nose!” He mocked her.

He let the seriousness of the conversation go, later on regretting that moment as they fell back into comfortable conversation.

——-

On the morning of his departure, Anna laid awake staring up at the ceiling, focusing on keeping her nerves calm as she counted her breaths.  She had to keep her thoughts organized and in a safe zone while he was still around to witness a meltdown.  She didn’t want him to worry more than he already hinted at.

Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale.  Exhale.

Anna could tell she wasn’t the only one losing sleep because on the sofa opposite hers, Finn sighed deeply every few minutes, equally dreading the next couple hours when they would have to say their goodbyes.

After awhile, she was the first to admit defeat, throwing the blanket off of her and swinging her legs to plant her bare feet on the floor.  She winced at the coldness of the hardwood, regretting pulling off her socks the night before.

“Morning,” she mumbled, only to receive a grunt in reply from him.  “Coffee?“ He grumbled again, kicking off his own blanket to sit up.

The next couple hours were spent like anyone would imagine. Breakfast.  Showers.  Last minute packing.  Rushing to London Heathrow Airport.

Then the goodbyes.

It was harder than she expected it to be, wrapping her arms around him as tightly as she could; the harsh reality of his deployment looming over them.  Finn returned the hug, patting her back, swallowing the lump that started to form in his throat.  ”Take care of yourself, okay?”

She nodded, sniffling as the tears rolled down her cheeks.  ”You, too.  Please come back home safe.”

“I’ll be okay, I promise,” he whispered, squeezing her before pulling away.  He picked up his carry on and gave her a watery smile.  “Love you, brat.“

She lifted her lips into a smile, wiping her tear stricken face.  ”Love you, asshole.”

And that was it.  He was off.  She watched him walk away, the anxiety consuming inside her chest as she prayed he would stay safe.

——-

Anna shook her head, forcing the negative thoughts that kept coming forth to the back of her mind where she didn’t have to acknowledge it, coming back to present time.

She fumbled with the phone in her hands, contemplating on what to do next.  She knew it was wrong of her to keep ignoring his calls for the past couple of days.  But she needed some time away; she wanted to focus on the time she had left with Finn without the distraction.

But now that she was alone, stuck in her own thoughts, she knew it was impossible to avoid him any longer.  Anna went through her contacts and brought her phone to her ear as she counted the rings, pleading to get his voicemail.

But Harry answered on the very last ring.  ”Hey, you haven’t called.  You alright?” He asked, worry and relief both laced in his deep voice.

“Yeah, sorry,” she meekly apologized.

Harry instantly tensed up, noting her usual lively tone was off, bringing him back to the phone call he got from her late one night after she suffered the loss of a patient. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, sure.” Anna scanned the room, passing over the neatly folded blanket with a pillow resting on top from Finn’s week stay on her couch.  Her stomach dipped, missing him already and wishing they had more time before he had to go.

Harry checked the time on his watch, noting the late morning hour.  Realization hit him.  “Oh, have you just dropped Finn off?”

Anna went to answer in a short reply but stopped.  ”How did you know?” She asked instead, accusingly.

“I spoke to Finn yesterday,” Harry said, nonchalant.

Something snapped in her.  ”What?”

Harry furrowed his brows at the sound of anger in her voice.  ”What?” He asked, innocently.

“When did you speak to Finn?” She demanded.

“Uh, sometime when you were in the shower..?” He answered, confusion etched on his face.  “You weren’t taking my calls and we exchanged numbers so I called him to make sure everything was alright over there.  What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal?” Anna clicked her tongue in annoyance.  “Wow, typical.“

“What? Are you angry with me?”

She sighed, rolling her eyes towards the ceiling.  ”My life doesn’t revolve around you, Harry.  If I wasn’t taking your calls, it’s because I was busy.  And I’m calling you back now when I’m not busy.  You don’t have to check up on me.”

Harry felt the frustration and anger at her words bubble in his chest.  ”I know your fucking life doesn’t revolve around me.  Jesus Christ, Anna.  I’m sorry if I fucking cared about my girlfriend who was not returning my calls.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t fucking care, Harry.”

“Yes, you fucking did.  What the hell is wrong with you? Are you angry that I called Finn or are you angry about something else? Because I don’t have the slightest clue as to what I did wrong here.”

“No, of course not.” She huffed.  “You know what? Just forget it.  I’m sick and tired of being treated as if I’m some fragile little girl who can’t take care of herself.  I’ve been on my own for years now.  I don’t need you, or anyone, checking up on me.”

How fucking dare he go behind her back and contact her brother.  Like she was some damn damsel in distress.  She could handle herself, stand on her own two feet.  She had her family constantly making sure she was alright; she didn’t need to get the same treatment from Harry.

“Annali-”

She quickly ended the call and tossed the phone to the side, hearing it plop on the cushions.  Breathing deeply to avoid an anxiety attack, she brought her fingers to her hair and tugged through the knotted curls.

Her phone kept buzzing beside her.  She didn’t have to look to know it was Harry.  But she was too annoyed, too frazzled to speak to him.  So she raised herself up and went to take a hot shower.

It was under the steaming spray of the shower where she found guilt, where her thoughts plagued her.  He was worried, rightfully so.  She would have felt the same, would have contacted someone close to him to reach out and make sure nothing awful had occurred. It was wrong of her, she knew, to snap at him.. acting as if everything was his fault.

Because it wasn’t.

Harry had been nothing but kind and comforting to her.  After Philip passed, he had gone out of his way, driving back to London from base in the middle of the night to be there for her.  He had spent his resting hours painting a meaningful mural for her instead of catching up on much needed sleep after a crucial training.  He met her outside the hospital, coffee in hand, so she wouldn’t have to make the journey home alone.

He had done all those things—and much more—without being asked to.

And how she did repay him? By dodging his calls.  Avoiding him and driving him mad with worry that he had to call her brother, whom he had just met.  And then bitching him out for something she did?

She was a terrible person.

After she dried off, she tied the towel securely around herself and made a dash for her phone in the living room.  The guilt ate at her further when she noticed the ten missed calls from him.  She nervously dialed him, the thought of him avoiding her to get back at her crossing her mind.

But he didn’t.  He answered on the second ring.  ”Annali-“

“I’m sorry,” she softly said, interrupting him.  His sharp intake of breath could be heard and Anna knew he was still a little peeved at her.  “I’m sorry, Harry.  I shouldn’t have said what I did or bitched at you.“

“What is going on, Annalisa?”

She inhaled deeply, fluttering her eyes shut as the pain of her following words stabbed her in the gut.  ”Finn’s getting deployed.”

Harry’s annoyance melted away instantly.  ”Oh, baby.. are you alright?”

She laughed humorlessly in response.  ”No.. I’m.. I don’t know.  I’m proud of him; this is something he truly wants.  I support him, obviously…”

“But..?”

She shrugged, feeling the pain intensify the more she thought about it, the more she talked about it.  ”I don’t really want to talk about it,” she said, before quickly adding, “If that’s okay?”

Harry nodded in understanding.  ”Yeah, of course.. of course, love.  But you know I’m here, right? You don’t have to push me away or.. bury how you’re feeling inside.”

“I know,” she whispered.  “And I really am truly sorry for.. that.“

“Never mind that,” he said.  “Tell me what kind of trouble you two got yourselves into while I’ve been away?“

Anna chuckled, the air becoming lighter.  ”Trouble? Are you saying I’m trouble, Captain?”

A smile played on his lips.  ”I knew you were trouble when you walked in..”

Anna groaned at his off key singing, raising her hand to smack her forehead.  ”Oh god, please do-“

“So shame on me now…”

———

She was on her stomach, arms pulling her weight as she army crawled through the rubble.  She was sure she would be able to hear the tearing of her shirt if it wasn’t so deafening loud around her, screams and groans and explosions filling the air.

She paused momentarily, the smoke getting trapped in her lungs as she coughed and fought for breath.  But there was no clean air to inhale, just the toxic smoke and foul odors of…blood.

“Annalisa,” the whispered plea came.  She strained her ears to hear better, trying to block out the other noises to find the source.  “Annalisa.“ She turned her head to the right, a strangled cough catching her attention.  With her body still low to the ground, she crawled and crawled for what seemed like hours until she saw a figure laying face up, a helmet securely in place.

“Ben..?” A strangled sound escaped through her lips as she made way to the figure as fast as she could.

“Annalisa….”

When she reached the figure, her immediate reaction was to take care of the wounds that were visible.  She raised up on her knees, checking the damage.  He had a banged up knee where she could see was where he was losing the most blood. She tore off her shirt without a second thought, her nursing instinct taking over her anxiety as she created a tourniquet.

“It’s okay, I got you,” she comforted as he groaned in pain when she applied pressure to the wound, the blood seeping through the cloth immediately.

“Baby,” he choked out as she examined his scrapes and burned patches of his uniform.  Her hands froze, her heart skipped a beat.  

“No,” she breathed.  “No.“

Her eyes slowly roved over the uniform he wore, the contrast of the shades of green, the US Marine patch that wasn’t there.  She welled up, the lump in her throat intensifying as her eyes made their way to his face, a face she had memorized with the soft touch of her fingertips while he slept in her bed.

“Harry..” She whispered in confirmation, bringing her hands to his helmet, her thumbs sweeping across his cheeks, wiping the dirt that were mixed with his tears.

His eyes were glazed over, the loss of blood weakening him as his skin became whiter than normal. “I love you,” he forced, mustering up the little strength he had.

She could no longer hold the tears at bay.  ”Oh, baby I love you.  Stay with me, please.”

But he didn’t respond.  He didn’t move.  His body became hard and stiff under her shaky hands that were gripping his camouflage, the life in his eyes nonexistent.

“Please, baby.. Please..” She sobbed, her tears rolling down her own scraped and dirty cheeks, falling onto his lifeless body.  “Come back to me.  Come back to me.“ She cried, her arms around him, her head laying on his chest where the beating of his heart used to be.

In an alternate universe, where fairy tales were real, he would come back to her.  Her tears would be magic, would be the cure he needed to become full of life once more.. for his chest to puff up with the sudden inhale of breath before it would rise and fall steadily.  

But reality was no fairy tale.

Annalisa sat up in bed with a start, breathing erratically.  Her heart pounded in her ears, the cloudiness in her mind slowly clearing.  She looked around, taking in her familiar surroundings.

She was home.

Bringing her hands to her face, she wiped the wetness that were under her swollen and tired eyes.  She had been crying in her sleep.

She furrowed her brows together, trying to remember what had happened.  Her chest became heavy with anxiety as the pieces of her scattered brain came together.

Oh no.