How She Let Her Fears Win
“I won’t be able to make it home until Saturday.”
Anna’s eyes lifted from the bowl of batter she was mixing, temporarily pausing the intense circular motion at the sound of Harry’s words. She caught his apologetic gaze through the laptop screen that had been placed on her breakfast bar.
“Harry..” He cringed at her disappointed tone.
“I know, baby.. But there are some details that they want to discuss with me before I take my leave,” he explained..
Anna sighed. ”But it’s Maggie’s birthday party tomorrow.” She gestured down towards the mixing bowl. ”I’m in charge of the cake.”
“I know but you’ll have to have a good time without me.”
Her eyes widened in answer. ”Without you? Harry, I’ve never been alone with them,” she nervously bit her lip.
Harry chuckled, his eyes rolling upward. ”Sure you have! You’ve met up with the girls a couple times for lunch.”
“That’s different!” She exclaimed, placing the bowl on the counter space beside the laptop and smoothing down the apron she wore. “It was just the girls! This is a party that I would be attending…alone.”
“Anna,” Harry started, cocking his head to one side. “You’ll be brilliant. You’ve met some of them, just stick to the ones that you know like you for sure,“ he joked.
Anna scowled at him, leaning on her hands that were flat on the counter. She peered at him, eyes narrowed as she tried her best intimidating look. ”You’re in trouble, Wales.”
Harry smirked, refraining from letting out a laugh at the stern expression she held. ”Are you going to spank me?”
“More like whip you,” she retorted.
His smirked turned into a slow grin. ”Whips and chains excite me,” he sang, finishing off with a wink.
Her breath hitched, wetness pooled between her thighs. His smooth, deep voice always had that effect on her. There was nothing more than she wanted to do right now than to be able to pull him out of that screen and beg him to take her there on that counter.
But she couldn’t. And she wouldn’t be able to touch him until a couple more days than planned.
“We’ll see about that after I’m done with you..” She tried to play off like she wasn’t turned on, like she didn’t crave him, but Harry could tell.
It was in the way her innocent eyes always darkened with desire, her deep and uneven breaths, and the slight part of her pouty lips before her teeth would seductively chew on the corner of her bottom lip.
“Mm.. I bet we will,” Harry replied, his tongue wetly sliding slowly across his bottom lip. A self satisfied grin adorned his features at the sight of her lips parting, just as he suspected, as she stared intently at his mouth. “Won’t we, peaches?“
“Hm?” Anna hummed, her heated gaze fixated on his lips as she imagined her own tongue tasting them, teasing him into oblivion. She brought the corner of her bottom lip into her mouth, Harry’s cocky grin widening.
“Show me your tits,” he challenged, causing Anna to snap out of the sexual trance she was in.
“What?!”
Harry shrugged, innocently. ”Come on.. I miss them.” He brought his palms up to a cupping position, winking in her direction. ”I’m quite certain they miss these.”
Anna huffed and crossed her arms, unintentionally pushing her breasts up. ”Keep that up and you’ll be missing them for a lot longer than planned.”
Harry laughed, bringing his hands to cover his chest. ”Yeah, definitely not the same,” he commented, causing giggles to escape her.
“You’re lucky you’re adorable.”
“Stop, I’m blushing.”
“Naturally,” she said, earning a snort as she took a jab at his rosy cheeks.
He quickly glanced at the time that was on the bottom of the computer screen, inwardly groaning. ”Okay, love, I don’t have much time. There was something I wanted to discuss with you.”
She quirked a brow. ”Oh? Besides your longing for my tits?”
“They’re beautiful tits,” he commented, smiling at her unamused expression. He cleared his throat. “So I’ve been taking up some meetings lately about what’s next for my military career.“ Anna nodded, recalling the few times he had mentioned meetings in passing. “At some point, I would like to rank up ….”
“Right,” she said, slowly, nudging him along.
“And in order for me to do that, there’s a new position I would have to take on first. I guess it’s required for all soldiers at a time or another to have experience in desk work.”
“Desk work?” Her ears perked up at the sound of that and what that would mean. “Like, filing paperwork and whatnot?“
Harry shifted his head from side to side. ”Something like that. My responsibilities would be a little more complex than just paperwork. I’d be in charge of organizing events like award ceremonies and Trooping of the Colour.”
“So you’d no longer be on active duty?” She asked, hopeful.
Ever since the nightmare she had a few nights ago, she couldn’t get it out of her thoughts no matter what she did to occupy her mind. It was effecting her day to day routine.
She was restless in bed, too afraid to fall into unconsciousness at the possibility of having the reoccurring dream. She was clumsy during waking hours, overflowing her coffee mug twice in one day. At the hospital, parents and coworkers noted how she always seemed to be stuck in her own head and rarely hummed a tune.
But what Harry was insinuating with this new job title, it seemed all of the worry and restless nights were coming to an end.
“I wouldn’t be part of the Army Air Corps, yeah, but active for Blues and Royals as a Staff Officer. The contract is for a year. After that..” He trailed off.
“Wow,” Anna breathed. “Harry, that’s.. That’s amazing.“
“Thank you, love.” He smiled, relieved to finally be able to let her in on his plans. “You’ll be seeing me a lot more.“
She grinned, her spirits lifted by the sounds of that. ”That’s the best news. Certainly makes up for the bad news you gave me earlier.”
Harry lifted his brows. ”Really now? No sassy remark on how you rather digest rat poison than spend more time with me?”
Anna raised one shoulder in a half shrug. ”What can I say? I miss your handsome face.”
He pursed his lips, nodding slightly. ”Wow.. Now a compliment? Are you coming down with something?”
She laughed freely, the haunting sounds of her nightmares drifting away. Harry was going to remain safe, the chances of him being deployed slim to none with his new position and the promises of the war’s end nearing in the new coming year.
“Maybe the love bug.”
Harry wrinkled his nose. ”That was incredible corny. I’m embarrassed for you.”
“I don’t even care,” she giggled, her eyes sparkling as she stared happily at him.
Harry sighed in contentment. Everything seemed to be falling into place. He had the woman of his dreams, a promising future of a life together. And now a new chapter of his career was beginning, a step closer to becoming the man he desired to be.
“I gotta say, baby,” he began, a giddiness taking over as he squirmed in his seat, threading his fingers through his messy locks. “At first, I wasn’t quite thrilled about it. It’s nerve-wracking work and I’m not so sure I’m cut out for it.. Let’s face it, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed..”
“Stop,” she scolded. “You are very bright, Henry.”
“Sure,” he said, unconvinced. “But after giving it some thought, I’m excited. I mean.. This is a great opportunity. It’s just the type of experience I need under my belt to promote to Major and finally be out on the frontline with the boys again.”
Anna’s stomach sank, her smile fading.
Harry kept talking, but she zoned out. Explosions went off in her ears, her vision became cloudy from the dust and smoke that surrounded her, filling her lungs as she inhaled the toxins.
The image of Harry’s stiff and lifeless body under her trembling hands crushed her, punching her in the gut and whisking away all the excitement she had felt just moments ago.
“Frontline?” She frowned, blinking rapidly to come back to present time.
When her vision became clear again, she focused on the confused state of Harry. He must have said quite a bit that she missed.
“What?” He asked.
She shook her head, the strands of hair that hung out of her loose ponytail tickling her neck. ”So.. There’s a possibility that at some point you will be deployed?”
“Well..” He paused. “Yeah… Obviously it won’t be in the current war but… Possibly sometime in the distant future.“
Annalisa’s frown deepened as she pondered the confirmation of her fears.
Deployed? Harry at war?
Harry could see the fearful look in her eyes and cursed. ”I’m sorry. I know this is awful timing to be discussing this with Finn and all that but.. You don’t have to worry about that right now, Annalisa. I mean it’s not even something we should really think about. The war is almost over and who knows if there will be another in our lifetime.”
“There will always be war, Harry.” She voiced the old words of her grandfather, wincing at the menacing tone she took.
“Okay..” Harry was taken aback by the harshness in her voice, momentarily pausing before he proceeded with caution. “I’m not saying there is or isn’t. What I’m simply stating is tha-“
“Are you ever planning on quitting the army and becoming a full time royal?” Anna prayed for the answer she desired, but knew in her heart the answer he would give.
“Not.. really.” He inhaled, collecting his thoughts to form the correct words to make her understand. “Annalisa, I’m a soldier. It’s who I am. I am a soldier before a prince. Being a prince wasn’t a choice. It was already planned out for me. But a soldier? The army? This is the life path that I have chosen for myself.“ He cleared his throat. “If a year from now or hell, ten years from now, if there is a battle to be fought, I will do my duty and fight for my country. I go wherever I am needed.”
Anna was silent, taking it all in. She felt foolish for her initial reaction, understanding where he was coming from. Discussions of war was nothing new to her; it was more familiar than most thought, spending countless family dinners with military being the topic of conversation.
Yes, he was a soldier. She knew that. She was aware of how much pride and joy he felt from his work. And he was damn good at his job.
“I know… I know,” she whispered, forcing a smile. “You’ll be great.“
He let out a breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding, a smile plastered on his face again. ”Thank you.”
A heavy knock interrupted their conversation, followed by a stern “Wales!”
“On my way out, Marx!” Harry called over his shoulder before turning back to her. “I gotta go, babe.“
“Okay,” Anna pouted.
“One peek before I go?” He motioned towards her chest, a Cheshire cat grin appearing.
Anna snorted but reached for the collar of her shirt, surprising them both. Harry rubbed his hands together in anticipation, his mouth watering and his stomach muscles tightening with desire as she pulled her shirt down, exposing her lacy undergarment.
“Very nice,” he whistled, leaning forward to get a closer look. “Don’t worry, mamas, daddy will be home to play soon..“
His attention snapped back to her face when she quickly covered herself, his rosy cheeks deepening in color as his insides heated up.
“That’s all you get, captain. Get to work,” she teased.
“Yes, ma’am,” he nodded, adjusting himself discreetly. “Enjoy yourself at the party, yeah?“
“I’ll try,” she mumbled.
“You’ll be fine.. Love you, see you Saturday.”
“Love you,” she blew him a kiss before gently pulling the top down, the secure click sound wiping the smile off her face. She sighed heavily into the empty space, swallowing repeatedly to ease the lump in her throat. Pure dread consumed her, muscles tight and chest heavy.
She should be celebrating Harry’s success as he took the necessary step to further his career, increasing his chances of promotion to a title he truly wanted and deserved. She should be jumping for joy at the realization that he would be close to her, every day and all day. They would be able to spend much more time together; she could enjoy lunch with her boyfriend in the middle of the week like normal couples did. Nights at home would no longer consist of her tossing and turning, tangled in her sheets alone.
She should be happy.
So why wasn’t she?
“I go wherever I’m needed…”
She angrily picked up the mixing bowl and began to beat the batter with more force than necessary, her mind racing and her breaths coming out in pants as she pushed away the negative thoughts and focused on baking the best damn cake she ever baked.
——-
Anna stumbled through her door, hopping on one foot as she struggled with taking off her other shoe. It was barely midnight and she was already home from celebrating Maggie’s twenty-ninth birthday, feeling like the pathetic teenager she once was.
She didn’t have Harry there to support her as previously planned, but Skippy took it upon himself to take her under his wing, offering a helping hand at introducing her to several people. It was the biggest party she had ever been to and even now she couldn’t think of a single person’s face that she had met, never mind recalling their names. They were welcoming, knowing she was Harry’s girlfriend, and conversed with her in polite conversation.
But she felt out of place and she wasn’t in the mood to social.
Beth and Liv had noticed her closed off body language, coming up to her as Skippy abandoned her to chat up a pretty girl. They found her nursing a martini at the bar, swirling the olive pick in the clear drink, a sad aura surrounding her. They questioned her, wondering if everything was okay. She lied and blamed it on a pounding headache from the hard work week. She instantly felt guilty at their sympathetic looks as they told her it was alright to leave the party early.
There was no doubt she would have to face Harry, knowing he was to call Maggie during the festivities to wish her a well birthday.
“Speak of the devil, and the devil appears,” she mumbled at her vibrating phone. “Hey,” she answered it, no use in avoiding.
“Feeling okay, love? Mags said you had to leave because you weren’t feeling so hot.” His voice created heart palpitations as she breathed slowly to calm it.
“I’m fine,” she said, dropping her shoes and purse near the door before she passed the living area and kitchen, making her way to the bathroom. “Just a headache.”
“How was the party? Was everyone nice to my girl?” He asked, yawning as he laid in bed.
She switched the shower on and watched the water roll off the skin of her hand, feeling the change in temperature as it warmed up. “They were lovely,” she answered.
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.”
“Is that all?” Harry chuckled at her vague responses.
“Yep,” she said.
He let out another rather loud yawn. “Sorry, I’m exhausted.”
Anna undid the clip that held the strands of her dark curls securely in place, and felt liberated as her hair freely cascaded down her back, shaking it out. “It’s okay. You should get some rest.”
“You, too. Have you taken anything for your headache?”
“Yeah,” she lied. “I’m going to take a shower then crawl into bed myself.”
Harry groaned, rolling onto his side as he pressed the phone to his ear. “Shower? Damn, baby..”
Anna let out a weak laugh. “Don’t get any ideas. Get some sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Fine,” he pouted. “We’ll reenact the dreams I’m sure I’ll be having tomorrow night then.”
“Absolutely,” she agreed. “Sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight, darling.”
Anna clicked off her phone, placing it on the sink counter before undressing and stepping into the hot shower.
Not long after, she fell into a slumber, her body exhausted as it shut down on her. She was dreaming, she was sure. But it was different than she was used to this time.
She was years older, her hair specked with stray grey hairs and laugh lines more prominent. She was behind the wheel of an unfamiliar car, driving through the country as the laughter of two little girls filled the car. Edward was seated to her left, occasionally returning her smile at the silliness that was occurring behind them.
“Mummy, sissy says the moon is a big ball of cheese.. and when it’s not a big circle sometimes, it’s because Daddy landed on the moon and got hungry. Is that true?”
She glanced in the mirror, smiling warmly at the curious eyes that stared back at her. “Well, baby, let’s review the facts. Daddy tends to do things that are big and beyond, he enjoys outer space, and-”
The little girl with dark curls that reminded her of her own gasped and turned to her older sister, who sat with a mischievous grin, fingering her red locks. “…And he loves cheese.”
Annalisa laughed loudly as fits of giggles increased in volume behind her. She turned on her signal, a house coming into view as the car rolled to a stop. Anna’s laughter faded immediately when she saw her disheveled father-in-law conversing with two Army officials outside of her home. Edward tensed beside her.
With Harry being deployed in a foreign country, the sight before her could only mean one thing.
“No…”
“No,” she shouted, her eyes popping open, only to be met with darkness. She propped her weight on her elbows, squinting to take in her surroundings.
She had been dreaming… of a family.
Her family.
Their family.
A strangled cry passed through her lips as she flung herself back to his side of the bed, hugging his pillow close and letting her tears soak through. She let herself go, no longer able to suppress all the emotions she had been bottling up for weeks now.
She replayed the several nightmares and the current dream over and over in her mind as sobs wracked her fragile frame. Her mind raced, her heart ached.
Was this what she had to look forward to? Was this what her future held for her?
She was stupid. So stupid to believe she could ever get her happily ever after. It wasn’t in the cards for her, her whole life being the evidence of that.
She loved him.. She was in love with him. She took a leap of faith and gave her heart away to a man.. A man who loved her equally in return.
But she knew how that would end, like it always did. Tragically. And she would be on the losing end.
What was she supposed to do? What was the right answer? Was she supposed to allow him to take all of her.. become completely his in every sense of the word. Vow herself to him, create a life together.. build a home with a family.
For it all to get taken from her. For Harry to be ripped away from them.
Then what would she be left with? A shattered heart, a broken soul.. emptiness.
Their children.
She wouldn’t be strong enough to keep herself together as she would have to sit down with them and explain why their daddy was never coming back. She wouldn’t be able to bear the looks on their crushed faces as the pain of their father never witnessing all the pivotal moments in their lives, all the milestones and success.
Nothing was ever set in stone, she knew. But there was always a risk of life not happening the way it was supposed to.
But was she able to risk all of that?
She wasn’t sure she was.
———
She spent the following day fretting over his arrival and how she would approach him with the decision she had come to. She practiced it over and over in her head, never finding the right words or the correct way to act.
It wasn’t long before Harry arrived, tossing his bag to the side after wishing Dave a good night and shutting the door. A bright smile broke out onto his face and Anna willed herself to match it. He strode over to where she was rooted to the spot near the sofa, her hands wringing together nervously.
“Hey you,” he greeted, his hands instinctively holding her waist as he ducked his head and kissed her fully on the mouth. But her lips were unresponsive. He leaned back to take a look at her, his brows furrowing. She was always quick to reciprocate his affections, never afraid to show him how much she missed him during their time apart. “What’s wrong?”
Anna averted her eyes behind him, fixating on a random spot on the wall to avoid his stare. “Nothing. How was your drive in?”
Harry paused, searching for any indication of what was going on with her. But when she returned her eyes to his, a weak smile forming on her lips, he shrugged and made his way over to her kitchen to grab himself a glass of water. “It was fine. I crashed and took a short nap on the way over.” He downed the whole glass before refilling it again. “I swear if I had to put that helmet on one more time today..” He trailed, catching the way her body stiffening at his words. “Anna?”
Anna clenched her fists, remembering the way her hands held his helmet as she watched him take his last break in her dreams. She began to tremble, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. It felt like a ton of bricks were on her chest with how heavy it felt, with how uneven her breaths were coming out.
Harry placed the glass of water down and went to her. He stooped down to get to her eye level, his hands rubbing her arms up and down to warm her up. “You’re freezing, love.” But she didn’t respond. “Annalisa, what is it?”
Her heart was slowly cracking at his worried expression, the loving way he was trying to comfort her. This was it.
“I don’t think.. I can do this.. anymore,” she slowly revealed.
Harry’s hands stopped their motion on her arms. “Do.. what?” He asked, uncertainty clearly in his voice.
Her eyes darted around frantically as she backed away from his touch. “This.”
Harry still wasn’t getting it, growing more confused by the second. “This?” He questioned. “This meaning what exactly?”
“Us,” she choked out.
“Annalisa,” he said, taking a step toward her. But she took two steps back. “What’s going on?”
She shook her head, not caring of the tears that were starting to flow freely down her cheeks, falling to the floor. “I can’t.. be with you, Harry.”
His breathing became shallow, his heart galloping in his chest. “Wha.. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m saying it’s over. Us.. This.. It’s.. It’s done.” She bit her lips, not knowing what to say or what to do next as Harry began to pace directly in front of her, attacking his hair with his fingers.
“You keep fucking saying shit like that.. But I have no idea where this is even coming from.” He stopped and looked frantically at her. “Did something happen? Did someone say something to upset you?”
“No.”
“Did I do something wrong? Did I not do something I was supposed to?”
“No, Harry.”
“Then what the fuck is this?!” He shouted, tugging his hair in frustration, starting to pace again as he fought for breath, fought for control to calm down.
“It was nothing you did or didn’t do.. I just.. I just can’t..” She repeated. “I just… can’t.”
“You just..” He shook his head wildly. “You just can’t?!”
Anna took a step toward him and this time he took two steps back from her. “I’m sorry, Harry.”
He laughed, dryly. “You’re sorry?!” Annalisa flinched at the rising anger in his tone. “You’re fucking sorry?!” Harry threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “You.. are.. sorry.”
She tried to reach out to him but he brought his palms up in front of him, stopping her. “Harry..”
“No,” he said, angrily. “Just don’t fucking touch me right now.”
“Please..”
There was fire in his eyes at the sound of her plea. “Please? Please what, Annalisa? Please don’t be angry with you? Please don’t push you away? Please what?!” She remained silent, choking back sobs as he stalked away from her and towards the window. He placed his hands flat on the wall, his head hanging and feet planted on the ground. He tried to calm down, tried to breathe evenly to not scare her with his anger. But he didn’t know what was going on.
He counted to ten, then ten backwards, collecting his thoughts. “Is it because of my royal status? Is it too much for you? Are you worried of my family?”
The sound of his broken voice tore her to pieces. She didn’t know which one was worse. The way he was now, quiet and facing away from her, or yelling and showing her how angry and confused he was.
“It’s not like that,” she whispered. “It’s… You’re a soldier.” His shoulders sagged as his head met the wall in a thud. “Your life is to serve your country and to do your duty.. and to go wherever you get called to go.. And I, I don’t think I can be a part of that, Harry. I don’t think I can be a military girlfriend or.. a soldier’s wife.”
“Why?” He breathed. “You don’t.. love me?”
She slowly made her way over to where he was, gently touching his back and felt his muscles tense. “Of course I love you,” she whispered, placing a soft kiss between his shoulder blades. “Of course, I do.”
“But not enough.”
Minutes of silence found Harry in the same position with Annalisa’s head resting on his back, her arms hugging him from behind, both afraid to move. Once they did, that would be it. There would be nothing left to say, nothing left to do but for him to walk out her door.
And he did.
Wild Winter's Day 