How Her World Stopped Turning
“Daddy, I’m scared..”
“What are you scared of?”
“Falling.” Her small voice trembled, knuckles turning white from gripping the handle bars too tightly.
She had been brave all morning, excited even when he announced today was the day she would remove her training wheels and ride around the neighborhood. Her brother had already been without the supportive wheels for two weeks now but she had asked her dad for more time, until she was ready to be a big girl. Marco had eagerly obliged, wanting nothing more than to hold onto his little girl for as long as he could.
He shook his head after a burst of laughter, squinting through the beaming rays of the sun, looking at his little curly haired girl with such adoration. He crouched down to her eye level.
“Annalisa, it’s okay to fall sometimes.. It happens to even the biggest-”
“Like you?”
He chuckled. ”Like me. When I was your age, grandpa took my training wheels off too and I scraped my knee pretty badly.”
“How bad?!” She asked, more scared than before.
“Nothing a band aid couldn’t fix.”
Surprise flashed across her delicate face at that.
“Really?!”
“Mhm..but I got up and got back on the bike after Nana came out with the bandage. And you know what?”
Anna’s eyes widened, engrossed in one of her daddy’s stories of when he was just a boy – something she couldn’t fathom, him being little like her at one point in time.
“When I got back on the bike and I pedaled my hardest, determined to do it on my own, I never felt more proud of myself.”
She thought it over, her once frightful eyes turning into one of wonder. If her daddy said there was no need to be afraid, then she wouldn’t. He was the most brave man she knew, and she had to show him she could be just as fearless.
“Okay..” Anna said. “I think I wanna try now..“ She paused. “Are you gonna help me if I fall?”
He smiled lovingly at her, his heart swelling with the innocence that looked back at him, trusting him to give her all the right answers. If nothing else, his kids made him want to wake up every morning and face the day with bravery. They were his greatest accomplishment, what he lived for.
“Of course, baby girl..what does mommy always sing?”
Anna’s broad and animated smile was infectious just before she belted out in such a strong voice that seemed too big for her tiny frame.
“No wind!”
“No wind..”
“No rain!”
“No rain..”
“Nor winters cold can stop me, babe!”
Marco snickered, joy filling his heart. “You sing better than mommy does..” He said, ruffling her curls when she giggled. ”Don’t tell her I said that.”
“Or you’ll be in the doghouse with Leo?”
“Yup, you’ve got that right. Are you ready, my beautiful girl?”
“Ummmm….”
“If you never try, you’ll never know the fun that’s waiting for you.”
Anna released a breath and got back into the position, Marco straightening up off his knees to hold the front and back of the pink bike to assist her.
“Wait!” She exclaimed, one foot paused in midair before resting on the pedal. “Can I get a tweety bird bandaid for my scrape?“
“Absolutely.”
“And a hot fudge sundae?”
He let out a hearty laugh and nodded. ”With sprinkles.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
——-
The strong whooshing sounds of the oxygen tank beside her roused her from the heartfelt memory, the faint cheerful hollers of the past shaking her. Before she could form another sweet memory, a shift in the bed caught her attention. Her dad’s once lively green eyes stared back at her, tired and wary. Anna gave him a small smile in greeting to which he returned, happily surprised to see her in spite of the circumstance. He gripped her hand that had been holding his since she arrived four hours ago tighter in his grasp, not uttering a single word.
There was so much to say, a word that she never dreamed of having to say one day to her father as he laid in a railed bed in her grandparents’ home: goodbye. But how did one express all the gratitude of the past, how did one go about doing such a devastating thing when it was too real…too soon.
She wasn’t sure she had what it took to do this. Not with her daddy.
“I’ve got sunshine…on a cloudy day..” Tears instantly pooled in her sad eyes, but her smile grew wide as he used all the strength he had to whisper a song she grew up dancing with him to at any opportunity.
Their song.
“When it’s cold outside.. I’ve got the month of May..” She whispered back in a singsong nature. ”I guess you’d say what can make me feel this way..”
Marco squeezed her hand tightly, swallowing back the emotion that threatened to spill over his sunk in gray cheeks. ”My girl..my girl..my girl..”
Anna brought his still bruised hand up and kissed it, regret momentarily punching her in the gut for not being here sooner – for pushing him away for so long.
“Daddy..” She choked out, losing the battle to keep herself in check in front of him. It was the one thing she had been told by her family, to keep strong while in the room so he wouldn’t slip into a panic attack, his body too weak to sustain one. And she had prepared herself for what she was going to see before she walked into the room, but even in her mind, he didn’t look this weak…this faded.
“Baby girl… You’re home..”
“I came as soon as I could,” she sniffled, shaking her head as if it would stop the wetness from falling from her eyes. Reaching forward with her free hand, Anna smoothed the flecks of gray that made up his thinning hair back and flashed a special smile reserved just for her daddy.
Her hero.
“You look good,” she weakly joked.
Marco’s eyes slid shut as he let out small bursts of chuckles, licking his dry lips. ”I feel great..” He said, creating the tiniest laugh from his daughter. ”How much do you know?”
Any other daughter who had medical experience would have jumped at the chance to check his medical records, to formulate an expert opinion of his case and where his diagnosis stood. They would have demanded to speak to his oncologist and request a second opinion, all in the shape of denial. But Anna couldn’t, handling her own denial differently.
So she relied on the information her family had provided her with.
Untreated stomach ulcer turned cancerous. Tumors spreading to the bones and spine. Stage four. Incurable.
All of the fancy medical terms she spent years studying and becoming familiar with firsthand evaporated from her memory, her mind turning to mush. She couldn’t save him. Fancy terms, knowledge of the disease, none of that mattered if she couldn’t do a damn thing with it.
“They told you everything, didn’t they?”
“Yeah,” she confirmed. “I wish I would have known sooner.“
As soon as she muttered the words, she instantly regretted it, hating herself for causing the troubled expression on his face.
“I know..I’m sorry for that. Your mom and brothers kept telling me it was best to tell you but..I didn’t want you to see me this way. I didn’t want you to watch me…” He trailed off, unable to finish.
“I should have come home more often..spent more time with you and everyone..I shouldn’t have pushed you away in anger when-”
“That’s in the past now.” Marco shook his head, tormented. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive of you and your relationship..“
Something in her body language shifted, Anna beginning to fidget; awkward and nervous being the best way to describe it.
“I love you,” Anna said in an attempt to push him out of her mind.
“I love you, too, baby girl,” he said back before asking. “What’s happened with the boy?“
The boy.
It was exactly what she needed to hear from him, a glimpse of the father she always remembered him being. Old fashioned.
“It’s not important right now.”
Marco frowned. ”Of course it’s important. Sure, this is more of your mother’s thing-“
“Talking about boys without the threaten of a shotgun?” Anna interrupted, offering light humor.
Marco tried to laugh, struggling against the medication that kept him from doing too much to prevent strain in his sick state.
“Depends on if he’s hurt you.” He said, settling on a half smile instead.
“No,” Anna replied with a sigh.
Marco nodded in understanding, fully aware of his daughter’s tendency of letting doubts dictate her life. It created a sense of fear deep in his chest. Fear that she wouldn’t be okay without him, fear that whatever was going on with her life back in London, him leaving would only make her lose herself further.
He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let go with her being alone and unhappy.
“Annalisa..” The sound of his firm voice made Anna squirm, feeling like a child about to be reprimanded.
“Dad, plea-”
“You’re no longer a little girl.. You’re a woman now. A hardworking one. A Caro.”
“Dad..”
“Caros are tough..independent.”
“Stubborn.”
“Infuriating so.”
She smirked. ”If only mom could hear you admit that.”
He didn’t return the smile, only looked at her, sadly.
“I’ve had to admit quite a bit lately.” Anna sat there silently, feeling foolish. “Being in this position..it’s opened my eyes to many things. Your happiness one of them.“
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve selfishly let you allow your own fear hold you back from things..from love.”
“You haven’t.”
“I have,” he insisted. “You’ve always been my baby girl and I didn’t want you to grow up.. I wanted you to stay little forever.“
Tears welled in both their eyes.
“But it’s time I let you go, baby girl.”
“I don’t want you to, daddy,” she cried, leaping from the chair and hugging him as tight as she could without crushing him, sobs wracking her body. “I don’t want you to let go.”
“I have to,” he openly wept. “I want you to live on for me. I want you to love with your whole heart unguarded. I wish for you to be happy, Annalisa. I need to know that you will go on and live and be happy and not let fear or doubt get in the way of everything you deserve…”
She didn’t respond, only cried with him as he stroked her hair for the last time.
——
The next week went by in a blur, days blending, time moving at the speed of light. The whole Caro family couldn’t tell what day of the week it was, as little moments came and went..
Moments that Anna would spend the rest of her life remembering when she would look back..
——-
“Hi, sweetie,” Lucille said, walking straight to his bedside. “You’re awake.“ Anna mutely watched her mother place a loving kiss on his head, her heart aching at what was to come for her… and for them.
“Finn?” He questioned, growing more and more tired as the medication coursed through his veins, easing the pain.
“He’s on his way home, too. Daniel was able to get a hold of him and he said he should be here on Monday.”
Anna’s heart broke as she witnessed her father’s sickly face contort in confusion. ”When?”
She had witnessed this type of confusion numerous times before with her own patients, usually when the end was nearing. It made her want to wail, kick and scream at the top of her lungs like a child.
Why was this happening? Why her daddy? Why them? Why now?
She had too many questions that would never be answered. And that only angered her further.
———-
“Please, don’t tell him…” Anna begged. “He has enough going on and he needs space right now. I don’t want him to feel obligated and forget why he’s angry. I want to respect his wishes.“
“Anna-”
“Please, Maggie..”
“Okay,” Maggie agreed in a quiet tone, heartbroken for her friend, wishing there was something – anything – that she could do to ease her pain. ”I promise I won’t tell him.”
Anna opened her mouth but closed it after a second, the question getting stuck in her throat.
“He’s okay,” Maggie said, sensing Anna’s concern. “Sad but he’s doing alright. Burying himself in work..“
Anna inhaled sharply, crippled with the thought of him still hurting. She so desperately wanted to call him, a war between her head and heart as she weighed her mobile in her hands several times a day. She had come close countless times before.. but her head always won out.
“Have you seen him?”
“Only once,” Maggie answered, vaguely.
“What?” Anna fished for more, knowing her friend was holding back so it wouldn’t upset her. But she needed to know.
“Nothing,” she lied.
“Maggie.”
“He showed up pissed drunk at Skip’s the other night, ranting about not being enough to..”
“To what?” Anna whispered when Maggie trailed off.
“To ever make you happy.”
Anna’s chest expanded before it deflated in a rush, a vision of a broken man tearing up her heart.
“Oh, Henry..”
“Anna,” Finn interrupted. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were on the phone..“
“It’s okay,” she recovered quickly, taking note of his stiff stance. “What’s up?“
He didn’t have to say anything, the look of devastation and shattering pain answering her. “He’s asking for all of us.”
She numbly nodded, breathing unevenly before turning back to the phone. ”I have to go.. Thank you for listening and being a great friend.”
“Hey, any time. No matter the time difference, darling. You call me if you need me, got it?”
“Got it.”
——-
The soft melody mixed with the constant distinct sound of the machines drifted through the tiny crack of the door. Anna peeked through, instantly regretting it as she witnessed her Nana at her father’s bedside, softly threading her fingers through his hair in a mother’s loving touch. She sang to her boy, a melancholy tune that stole the air in Anna’s lungs.
“Godspeed, little man.. Sweet dreams, little man.. Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel’s wings..”
She wasn’t ready for this. Not yet.
Finn placed a reassuring hand on her back, pushing her to enter the room and join the rest of the family at the bed, no matter how much she didn’t want to, praying it would stop the inevitable.
“Give our little boy a hug and kiss from me,” Lucille tearfully whispered against Marco’s clammy forehead.
“From us, too,” Luke said with his hand on his father’s covered foot. “We love you..“
They could see the struggle in his eyes, fighting to hold on, not wanting to leave his family just yet. They all wanted more time, he wanted more time. Why couldn’t there be more time?
His glossy stare fixated on his baby girl as she smiled sadly at him, concealing the pain that was suffocating her, wanting him to see her brave.. the way he taught her to be.
A low grumble sounded from him, looks being passed around as they tried to dictate what he was trying to say. ”What is it, baby?” Lucille asked, lowering her ear to his mouth as he mumbled again.
“What’s he saying?” Anna asked, leaning closer to the bed, her hand resting gently on his arm that was already turning cold.
“La tua vita?” Lucille guessed, her husband confirming the accuracy with a blink and intent stare at his daughter. “He’s saying la tua vita.“
Your life.
She thought back to the long moment they shared just days prior when she arrived back home and it hit her. He couldn’t let go because of her.
“Daddy..” She breathed, her heart wrenching. “I promise,“ she whispered, blowing him a soft kiss. “I promise.”
“She’s going to be okay, sweetie. We’re all going to be okay,” Lucille comforted. He nodded slightly as his eyes began to slowly flutter.
“You can let go, son…let go of the pain and go in peace..go be with your papa and Benjamin..” Rosemary encouraged as she motherly smoothed her baby boy’s hair back.
Eight minutes.
It was eight short minutes before their world stopped.
It was nothing for the world to see – to know – what went on during those last minutes they spent in that room, hands clasped together around his bed as they witnessed him let go of the fight.
Time stood still, frozen as an eery hush came over the room, the only sound coming from the breathing machines that no longer held any purpose.
Anna had been on the outside looking in during these situations several times before, had seen the same expressions that her family currently held as they waited for the dreaded confirmation from the hospice nurse before everything would just end.
But silently watching the nurse’s eyes cast down, firmly holding her father’s wrist to check his pulse, everything seemed unfamiliar to her. She caught the unmistakable twitch of the woman’s facial muscles, she caught the slight flare of her nostrils as she took a small breath of air in preparation. Her body stiffened. It was all signs that pointed to what she didn’t want to believe.
And as the woman lifted her head, sympathetic eyes darting from each grief stricken individual in the room, Anna felt her stomach drop, knowing what was coming.
This was it.
“I’m so sorry,” the nurse uttered softly in condolence.
And they all fell apart.
Wild Winter's Day 