A Wild Winter’s Day
The distinguished howls of the wind outside the city warned Anna that the impending Nor’easter that had been on the forecast for the past few days was in full swing—and had been for hours. She stood at the window of her parents bedroom staring out while her mother slept after the grueling day, exhausted from the fast pace of the entire week that followed her father’s passing.
One week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours.
And the hurt only became more damaging… more real with each new day.
Anna spent each sleepless night cuddled with her mom like a scared and lost child. She wished for just a moment she could revert back to being the five year old girl with bouncing curls and a teddy bear cradled in one arm, rushing in between mommy and daddy after a frightful dream. Because that’s what this was, wasn’t it? A horrid nightmare that would shake her awake to find everything was still normal.
But it wasn’t a dream. It was very, very real.
Each night as she lay awake in her mother’s tight embrace, the anger bubbled inside of her chest as she listened to the faithful prayers being whispered against her hair. It was bewildering how a young widow could lie in the bed she once shared with her husband, a husband that was ripped away so suddenly, and pray.
Anna wished she could believe in the religious act as she once did many moons ago. She wished she had the strength like her mother to keep hope and faith alive while everything seemed to.. die. She wished she was strong enough to turn to the comfort of heaven above like she was taught. God, she really wished she could pray.
But she knew even if she could, it would be proven to be futile. It wouldn’t matter, because she would pray for the impossible.
To bring her daddy back. To make all of this pain and grief go away. To go back to normal. Even for a day. Even for a sunrise and a sunset more. She would settle for any amount of time at this point.
She just needed to hear him call her baby girl one more time. She needed to hear his laugh, to see his smile, to hear his stern and stubborn voice. Just once.. just one more time and then maybe, just maybe, she would be able to go on.
Nighttime had fallen about two hours ago and the snow was coming down hard, already accumulating a good foot on the ground, the branches snapping with the heavy weight of the snow. It reminded her of herself, feeling like a fragile branch that was being weighed down with loss. Loss of a hero—her father. Loss of her best friend—her brother. And loss of her heart—Harry. How much more weight could she stand before she would snap like the branches? She didn’t know.
With a hand placed on the cold glass, she sighed soundly, trying to get some air to her lungs. It was a nightly occurrence as of late. Once Lucille was fast asleep, Anna would carefully climb out of the bed and trudge to the window, overlooking the rural side of Boston they resided in.
The days following her father’s passing were surreal to say the least. There were arrangements to be made, the continuous flight schedules to keep track of from family members that were making their journey to Boston to grieve with them. There were the gut wrenching phone calls to make, music to choose for the service, flowers to pick. The casket, the suit he would wear, his burial. So many things to do with such little time as they tried to beat a fast approaching storm. Everything felt so rushed, so chaotic that it left no time to breathe, no time to think, no time to grieve.
Until the dead of night.
And that’s what Anna did. She thought, she felt, she grieved while everything was finally.. still.
——-
Annalisa slowly crept inside the darkened room, blinking her sore eyes to adjust enough to make out the silhouette that was laying still on the bed. It was late, but the noise drifting from downstairs would make one think otherwise.
“Mom?” It came out so childlike—foreign to her own ears—but it made Lucille smile the tiniest of smiles.
“Yeah, baby?”
Anna had expected the thickness of tears in her mother’s usual soft and gentle voice, but hearing it still hit her smack dab in the gut, momentarily halting her calculated steps towards the side of the bed.
“Auntie Michelle and Uncle Harvey just got in.”
“Okay.”
When Lucille made no notion to untangle from the safety of the covers and greet more family downstairs, Anna shuffled to her. The bed dipped with the added weight and she smiled when her mom pulled the covers back, inviting her to join her in the only quiet space of the house.
Several members of the family had begun to arrive just a couple hours ago, all getting in from various parts of the country to grieve with them; to help with the dreaded arrangements that had to be made quickly. Aunts, uncles, and cousins that she hadn’t seen in years were all there, greeting her with sympathetic eyes and smiles. And hugging her. They were always fucking hugging her. And she hated it.
“The house feels so empty already.”
“I know,” Anna murmured, swallowing the ever present lump in her throat that wouldn’t go away.
Her heart ached for her mother. A sweet woman who she aspired to be. Kind, generous, loving, and supportive. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve the pain of having to bury a child, having to lose her husband so quickly… so young. She didn’t deserve any of this and that crippled Anna.
Lucille sniffled, comfortingly squeezing her daughter with her chin resting on the top of her head. ”It’s only been hours and I miss him as if I haven’t seen him in ages. What’s it going to be like when more time has passed?”
Anna lay there in silence, completely unprepared for all of this. She couldn’t say anything. There were no words to make it better. There were no words that would take away all of the grief that consumed them.
“I’ve decided to take a leave of absence,” she announced after a long pause. “I spoke to the head of the nursing department and she’s faxing over some paperwork to finalize it.“
“Annalisa-”
“I worry about you and-”
“Oh, my darling girl,” Lucille interrupted, shifting so she could gaze at her compassionate daughter’s face, noting the way her golden eyes crinkled with concern like Marco’s would as thoughts swirled around his mind. She smiled at the memory, witnessing the life that Marco had left behind; the life they created. “You don’t have to do that…”
“I know but.. I don’t know, mom. I just need to be here for awhile… Please don’t fight me on this, okay?”
It was a decision that came easy for her, something she knew she had to do not only for herself but for her family as well. She had been gone too long—missed too much. And now the undeniable regret slowly ate at her for years of neglecting them.
Lucille stared at her with soft eyes and began to stroke her hair, just like she had always done when Anna was a little girl to calm her enough to prevent a tantrum.
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
Call it mother instincts or whatever you will, but Lucille knew something was very wrong with her daughter and her life back in London ever since she had stepped off the plane a couple weeks ago.
She had known her all her life, watched her grow into the woman she was now. She knew Annalisa didn’t talk much about her fears and doubts, always concealing them until they made their ugly appearance—until it caused too much damage to easily fix.
But after everything that had happened, she was fearful of watching her sweet girl get lost once again like she had several years ago. And so she did the only thing she could do.
Meddle.
“What about Harry?”
Harry.
Anna tried to ignore the longing she felt at his name, along with the excruciating sharpness of a knife twisting in her heart.
“What about him?” She said, acting nonchalant.
“You want to tell me why you have been avoiding him?”
“I’m not,” she lied.
“Is that why you stare at a powered off phone throughout the day?” Lucille asked with an eyebrow raised. “Oh Annalisa, you have always been a poor liar.”
Anna didn’t respond, just pressed her lips together, willing the suffocating pain to go away. She needed it to go away. Her daddy had just passed, she had to focus on her family.
“You know,” Lucille continued, wistfully. “There was a time where we would hide away from the herd of boys in the house to talk about boyfriends.“
“The imaginary ones?” Anna joked lightly.
“No, silly girl,” Lucille winked, half heartedly. “The ones plastered on your bedrooms walls.” A soft puff of air blew from their noses as they snickered. ”Harry is well known all over the world so if you take that into consideration, I think he fits into your type. A total heartthrob.”
“Mom,” Anna groaned before chuckling at her mom’s gentle smile.
“Justin Timberlake to Prince Harry… Not bad.”
“Oh god..please stop.”
Their shared laugh was short lived as the pang of guilt settled deep in Anna’s lower belly. Lucille caught the shift in her expression and cradled the side of her face, frowning at her once full cheeks were now losing their fullness from the lack of an appetite.
“What’s wrong, Annalisa?”
Anna sighed heavily, the stabbing pain she tried to bury of her and Harry’s fall out rushing back to the surface, demanding to be felt.
“I don’t think I’m ready to talk about him right now,” she answered quietly, so quietly that Lucille almost missed it.
Lucille’s frown only deepened but instead of voicing her concern further, she simply nodded, allowing her daughter the time she needed to process whatever was going on in her mind until she was ready.
And decided to go about the meddling a different way.
“Your daddy and me,” she paused to take a breath, Anna’s features trembling with emotion. “All we want for you kids is to be happy. You know that, right?“
“I know,” Anna responded, recalling one of her father’s last wishes for her to live and be happy. She thought of her mother, how she wanted the same for her, knowing without her father around, her mom would probably never be truly happy again.
“All we want is for you to be okay, mommy.”
Lucille’s brown eyes welled up with fresh tears, her heart swelling from the unconditional love she had for her babies. She made it a mission to keep herself together for their sake. They were all going to be okay, she would make sure of it.
———
Anna had thought the funeral would be difficult, that getting through it without a panic attack wouldn’t be feasible. But throughout the service, she remained in a fog and numb to anything that would stir up the devastation that was always there, buried deep in her chest.
Just like at Benjamin’s, the bagpipes played a melancholy and haunting rendition of Amazing Grace. Marine uniforms, her brother Finn included, filled up the pews at the church, honoring a fellow brother who had done so much for the Marine Corps over the course of the years.
Anna tried to grasp the pride that wanted to fill her chest at all the love that radiated from the people who attended; the same people that were offering up sincere condolences and sharing fond memories of how her father made a difference in their lives. She wanted the memory of her father to spark some feeling—any feeling—within her instead of this emptiness in her chest and the cloudiness in her head.
The service had lasted an hour, two hours, hell maybe even five hours, she didn’t have the slightest clue. She was just going through the motions, following the lead of others with eyes fixated on the closed casket where her lifeless father lay to rest.
That’s all she could do.
After the service, only close family and friends followed the procession of the black cars, making their way to the burial grounds where they would stand around the copper casket and say a final prayer, a final farewell.
Before it was lowered to the ground, everyone took steps back and allowed the immediate family to have one last moment. Anna stood there in a daze, Finn and Luke at either side of her with their hands on her shoulders. She glanced up and saw Daniel doing the same with her nana and mom and the tormented look on their faces almost did her in.
This was it.
Her mom was the first to place her hand on the casket, followed by her nana and brothers. She was the last to do so, wanting to prolong it as much as she could. Because the sooner she copied them, the sooner she placed her hand on the hard surface of the coffin, the sooner they would all have to walk away from him and go back to an empty home.
She didn’t want to go back to the house where photographs were out on display, taunting her with how happy they once were. His clothes would be there, his boots still by the door, his coffee mug at the kitchen counter. The morning paper folded at the doorstep.
Everything would still all be there. Everything but him.
A slight pressure was felt at her shoulder and she inhaled sharply at the encouragement to join them. Hesitantly, she placed her shaky hand next to theirs and whispered a very soft and final ‘goodbye daddy’.
——-
Raising five Caro children for over thirty years now, Lucille was no stranger to the most blunt confessions that came at the most random times. She couldn’t count how many times she heard “I stole a cookie before supper” or “I gave Leo my vegetables” when they were still so innocent. Or the numerous times they said “I failed my test” or “I have detention” during their rebellion teenaged years. And as they grew into adults, the declarations held much more meaning, more life altering.
“I’m being shipped to war.”
“I’m getting married.”
“I’m gay.”
“I’m moving to London.”
So when Lucille was sitting at the kitchen table later that evening, nursing a steaming cup of tea and flipping through a scrapbook Marco had (secretly paid) Gabe and Kathie to craft for Mother’s Day one year, she wasn’t at all flabbergasted by Annalisa shuffling in the doorway and blurting out words that she didn’t expect to hear.
“I thought I was pregnant.”
The cup that was about to touch her lips paused for a moment as she took in the appearance of her daughter’s slouched posture and the dark circles under her eyes. Her lips turned up into a small smile at Anna’s wide expression, her hair tangled in knots after a restless nap on the couch. The house was finally silent again, family leaving shortly after the services, and it felt nice to be with just her kids and grandkids again.
“Mom,” Anna said in a threatening voice. “Are you laughing at me?”
“That’s absurd, darling. Would you like some tea?”
“Tea?! Mom, I just told you-”
“That you thought you were pregnant, yes. We can discuss it over a nice hot cup of tea.”
Anna sighed, defeated. She should have known her mother would react this way, as if it wasn’t a big deal. She always handled blows her and her siblings threw her way with such grace and great patience.
“Fine, tea sounds nice.”
Lucille chuckled when Anna plopped on the chair, resting her head on her folded arms. It brought her back to the time when Annalisa had driven over in the middle of the night to discuss the pros and cons of accepting her current position in London, seeking her mother’s advice at an ungodly hour. This was one of the best things about being a mom, being there when they needed her the most, seeking her advice.
Sitting back at the table, Lucille watched Anna take the first cautious sip before she began.
“Now tell me what happened.”
Anna inhaled and held the breath for a long second before releasing it, not sure where to start. The truth was, she was ashamed for her behavior.. for hating a child—her child. For cutting Harry deeply when he had been so happy, so in love with the idea of them having a family. She was ashamed for being scared, for getting lost in her own selfish ways.
“Annalisa..” Lucille softly said, concerned with Anna’s silence as her eyes became more and more frantic. She could see the wheels turning, could see the storm brewing, and she had to bring her beautiful daughter back from the dark hole she had spent years crawling out of.
“Honey,” she said, taking Anna’s trembling hands in her own. “Look at me.“
Anna’s eyes flitted to her mother’s understanding expression and she immediately felt a wave of calm wash over her.
“There’s my girl.” She grasped her hands tightly. “You thought you were pregnant?“
Anna nodded, mutely.
“Did you take a home test?”
“No,” she croaked with a shake of her head. “The lab switched the results.“
“Okay.. Did Harry react badly?”
“No..” Harry’s broad grin flashed to mind, causing her chest to burn. “He.. God, mom.. He was so happy. So amazingly happy and I..“
She stopped, eyes stinging with withheld tears.
“It’s okay, baby..”
Anna let out a dry laugh. ”It’s not okay. It’s really not okay. I.. I hurt him.. I hurt him so bad that he.. He left.”
Lucille’s heart ached as her daughter began to cry, her own face crumbling at her baby’s heartbreak.
“I made him leave.. It’s my fault that he’s gone.. I did this..”
Lucille stood suddenly and rushed over to the opposite side of the table to take her in her arms, ignoring the way Anna’s body stiffened at the contact. She rubbed her back soothingly, letting Anna sob on her shoulder. Her cries were killing her, crushing her. She never wanted to see any of her kids suffer.
It took a few long minutes before her tears subsided, but she didn’t care. Lucille would have stayed in the kitchen all night if that’s what Anna needed.
“Why don’t you call him? Tell him you’re sorry and that you love him.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? Annalisa, that boy adores you.”
“I’m scared.” She sounded so exhausted, depleted after the flood of tears. “What if..“ She stopped short.
Lucille smiled sadly and tucked a loose curl behind Anna’s ear. ”I don’t regret falling in love with daddy. Not one bit.”
Anna stared at her and Lucille knew, she automatically knew, this is what Anna had come in the kitchen for—advice from a young widow.
“If I had known before we got married, before we had children, that our time together would be cut this short, I wouldn’t think twice. I would always choose daddy..and building a home together.”
She paused, taking a breath.
“He was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Because without him, I would’ve never known how good it feels to always have someone at your side, supporting you and offering up laughs during the toughest times. I wouldn’t have a home, full of love and joy.”
She stroked the side of her daughter’s face, her smile growing wide.
“I would’ve never had you..and your brothers… And Sarah and Benny. Your nana, Gabriel, Kathie.. Our family.”
Anna felt the weight being lifted from her chest, finding a new perspective as her mother continued to say the words she didn’t know she needed to hear.
“You’re my strength, my reason for getting out of that bed.. You’re my sunshine through all of this. And I thank god every night for bringing such a wonderful man into my life who gave me the greatest gift… All of you..”
——-
Her mother’s words resounded in her head, echoing as she let them sink in and really hit her. She was right. Absolutely right. If Annalisa was in her shoes right now, all of that would be true.
If god forbid she ever lost Harry, if he ever left her with the kids, to care for them alone, she would be devastated. She would be heartbroken. But not all would be lost. Because he would leave behind the sunshine she would need to carry on. He would give her reason, purpose for living on. For the both of them.
She felt idiotic for never believing it before, for never seeing it the way her mother explained it. And now that the damage was done, she feared she would never get a second chance to make it right again.
Desperate for a sign, she threw up a plea for something— anything— to keep herself afloat, hope and faith in everything drifting with each labored breath she fought to take.
She wanted Harry. She wanted a life together, children and a home. She wanted to wake up each morning and smile sleepily at the love of her life while their kids slumbered in their beds. She wanted to whip them up breakfast, fix up their lunches, and cook their supper each night. She wanted a long length table, seating a huge family that was created by the love and affections of two lost people that had somehow found each other.
Anna began to tear up, idly twisting the ring around her finger.
She wanted infinite love. And there was only one person who could give her that.
Through her cloud of tears, a blinding light reflected against the glass, peeking through the snowflakes. Anna squinted her eyes to try to see more clearly, rubbing them to rid the tears.
Who could that be?
Confusion settled in her expression, it being too late in the night to be expecting visitors, especially during the invisibility of the roads. Two unfamiliar black cars were slowly but surely pulling up in front of the house, shaking violently from the gusty winds.
“Oh my god.”
Her heart started to pound erratically in her chest as the SUVs came closer and closer before coming to a complete stop at the top of the driveway, and she knew.
This was her sign.
A quiet cry tore from her, muffled by the hand that covered her mouth as to not disturb her mother as she watched four car doors swing open from the force of the wind, vigorously wiping the tears that were running hotly down her cheeks.
Harry was here.
She didn’t know how or who was behind his appearance but she didn’t care to know answers because he was really here, hopefully giving her a second chance. Or a third chance. And nothing was going to keep her from getting to him—from being with him—ever again.
Her feet began to move, pounding against the hardwood floor as she raced down the stairs, her own heart beating a mile a minute. Once she reached the front door, she flung it open and lost her breath at the sight of him standing there, just feet away from her. The gush of bitter cold hit her brutally in the face repeatedly as they stood there staring at each other, the snow blowing into the house and icing the dark strands of her hair.
But she didn’t feel it, she wasn’t cold. Not even a little. In fact, she couldn’t feel anything but warmth for the first time in days, weeks, maybe even years.
“Hi.” He smiled.
And with just one smile, she felt the sunshine shining down on her, chasing away the invisible dark cloud that had been following her for far too long.
And she couldn’t help but smile back, genuinely this time, just before she flung her arms around him.
“Harry,” she croaked into his neck, clinging to him for dear life, afraid to let go. “Harry..”
“Oh, baby,” Harry breathed, his eyes watering at the feel of her body pressed to his again, at the sound of her cracking voice.
He hugged her back, his arms tight around her small frame, protecting her from the wind that was blowing wildly around them. This time, she didn’t shiver. Her body didn’t recoil from the contact, didn’t stiffen in discomfort. It didn’t make her feel worse like all the other hugs she kept receiving all week. It didn’t paralyze her, it didn’t weaken her.
For the first time, it made her feel okay.
He made her feel okay.
Wild Winter's Day 