How It All Falls Apart (Part 3)
Anna woke up to the heavy rain and wind outside her window, the thunder rumbling somewhere in the far off distance. The room was dark and gloomy, the weather ironically matching the storm brewing inside of her. A vision of a permanent dark cloud being placed over her life deepened the glum mood further.
She stretched out like a cat as soon as she rolled onto her back, only to realize that Harry was no longer in bed like he had been every time she woke up during the night, comforted by his presence enough to fall back to sleep.
Her eyes landed on the missing Rolex he had taken off and placed on the side table to sleep more comfortably. Panic settled into the pit of her stomach of the dreadful possibility that he had slipped out at one point during the night when she was dead asleep.
But the tension that hung in the air was still so thick and she instantly knew he was somewhere near. She could sense him there.
She was still reeling from the past couple days, emotions still running high and even though she had slept so much than ever before, exhaustion paralyzed her.
And fear.
Later on when she looked back, she would be able to admit that she knew what the day held for her, it was the tightness in her belly and the heaviness in her chest that gave it away… It was the vivid memory of his hesitant eyes when she had asked him to comfort her that she stuffed down, ignoring what it meant.
But right now, as she lay in bed prolonging the inevitable, she was ignorant to all the signs that pointed to it, warning her of the devastation that would soon come.
A noise came from the other room, enough to encourage her to face him.
It was now or never.
Tossing the covers aside, she planted her feet and wiggled her toes against the cold wood. When she stepped into the living room, she found Harry stacking up the books she had purchased on painting after their joint class with Maggie and Skippy. He was tidying up her flat, something he did when he was trying to tame an overactive mind.
“Hey,” she said in a low tone.
Harry looked up and forced a smile, straightening up his shoulders into a standing position. “Hey, morning.”
“What are you doing?” She cringed at the small talk she attempted, but Harry didn’t seem to mind as his eyes swept around the neat and organized space.
“Cleaning up a bit.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said, softly.
“It’s alright.”
They stood there awkwardly, neither one of them knowing what to do next. They were far from being strangers even though they were acting like so.
They knew just about everything about the other, including quirky habits and how to handle specific moods. Harry knew that Anna liked to paint with acrylic paint the most and the bristles of a brush against a canvas was one of her favorite sounds. He knew he could always find her in the music room when sleep wouldn’t come, having spent many nights sitting in a recliner as she strummed the tuned strings of a guitar mindlessly or watched her musical fingers effortlessly create the sweetest melody on the piano keys.
He knew her favorite songs, could list the top ten most played on her iPod, and when to give her a cuddle when scenes of certain films neared that always made her weep.
Secrets, hopes and dreams. He knew it all.
But what did all that matter now when he felt like he was sharing the same oxygen with someone he didn’t think could crush his spirit like she had.
Harry had spent the majority of dawn tugging on his hair and pacing around, trying to make sense of the past two days. For the first time when he looked into the imaginary crystal ball of his future, there was nothing but uncertainty. There he stood, almost thirty years old, and he had reached another crossroad, being forced to decide between two directions.
Left or right.
“Would you like some—erm— coffee or tea?” She awkwardly asked. Just as she was about to turn in the direction of the kitchen, Harry grabbed her by the wrist and tugged gently to pull her back.
“We should talk, Anna.”
The anxiety in her chest built up more and more by the second at the missing sparkles that usually shone brightly in his eyes when he looked at her. Something was about to happen, she knew. Something terrible that would kill her.
“Can we sit?” He asked as he gestured for her to take the seat on the sofa while he sat on the coffee table.
Harry stared at his hands that were wringing together out of nervous habit while hers were folded together as she waited. He cleared his throat a couple times, trying to build up the strength he would need for this.
Tired ocean blue orbs met her worried golden ones before he whispered the only words he could come up with.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Anna said before he was able to finish.
“I-” A big sigh cut him short and he rubbed the crown of his head, agitated with himself.
Anna had a dreadful gut feeling she was about to lose, the conflicted expression on his face revealing so to be true. Scrambling her mind for a way to stop it from all falling apart, to salvage their relationship, she reached across the space between them and grabbed hold of his hands.
“I know you’re upset, Harry,” she said, the fleeting thought of how vaguely familiar this scene was, only she was in the wrong this time around. “You have every right to be. I reacted horribly and I said some shit that I wish I hadn’t.“
Harry didn’t utter a word, he wouldn’t have even if he wanted to. His gaze was permanently fixated on the warmth of her fingers threading through his, recalling a time where it made him smile how perfectly they entwined.
“Because you are my family, too. Of course you are. My whole life is you and us. My whole heart is yours. We are a family. I’m sorry, I truly am. If I could go back an-“
Harry shook his head slightly, her words sinking in and making it all the harder as he prepared to turn left at the fork in the road.
“You were right,” he said, gravelly. He felt her hands clutch his tighter. “About it not being the best time for a baby. You’re right about that, Anna. But-“
“When the time is right, when we’re ready..it’ll be the most joyful news. For both of us.”
“I need a break,” he blurted out, wincing at the surprise flash across her face before it contorted into a cringe and she dropped his hands quickly.
“Oh..”
He licked his lips. “I’m not saying break up. I’m saying a maybe temporary breather.”
“Oh,” she repeated, suddenly growing so cold, wrapping her arms around her middle.
“You hurt me…badly.”
“I-I’m sorry, Har-”
“I can’t just look past this one, Annalisa.” The crack in his voice was the same in her heart. “I watched you act as if our baby growing inside of you disgusted you. Like it was the most obscene-“
“That’s not-”
”..thing to want to have a baby with me,” his voice rose over hers, almost angered. ”You completely freaked out. You checked out and not once felt what I so desperately wanted you to feel…how incredibly happy I was about going from one to two..to three.”
“Harry… I-”
He inhaled sharply. ”And then you tell me you’re sad because there never was a baby? I don’t get it! I don’t get you.”
I don’t get you.
A knife twisted in her gut, blinding her with the searing pain. Through all of her coping and defense mechanisms, Harry had always showed nothing but empathy, sharing his understanding. It had made her feel less damaged.
He softened, witnessing her walls start to come back up as she refused to look him straight in the eye.
“I care about you, you know that’s true. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Tell me you know that.”
“Yeah..I do…” She answered when he briefly waited for a response, head bowed. “I know.“
“Good. Remember that.” Sighing, he continued after a long beat. “I’ve let you have your time and now it’s my turn. I need some space.. To figure out where to go from here. I need this for me.”
Harry paused, studying her before he asked. ”I allowed you to do the same before, didn’t I?”
“Yes..” Anna weakly answered.
He nodded, rubbing his sweaty palms together. ”Right. Then I’m asking you to show me the same courtesy. Can you do that for me, Anna?”
A minute went by before her answer was spoken.
“Okay.”
It came out sounding defeated, broken. But it was all she had.
More words were being said, she was sure he was talking about the conclusion of this decision and what he needed…but she didn’t hear any of it. She couldn’t. It would break her more than she already was and she didn’t want him to witness it.
And up went another brick wall.
The only sign of life he got from her were the slight twitch of her lips and the occasionally blink of her dead eyes as he poured out the speech he had been prepping while she slept. But as soon as he stood to take his leave, she knowingly looked directly at him and stood as well.
A shaky hand cradled her cheek as he gazed down at her, the pad of his thumb tenderly stroking her porcelain skin before he ducked down to lay a lingering kiss on her unmoving lips.
Anna screamed at herself to do something when he shuffled to the door, demanding her to stop him, to plead with him to stay. To not leave her. She already had many regrets of past times from not listening to that voice, she would be a fool to have this time be added to the growing list of should-haves.
“Wait!” She firmly called out, sprinting towards him once he turned back around with curious surprise written across his broody features.
“Wait,” she said again once she got to him, palming each side of his face to bring him down to her pleading kiss.
She poured everything she wanted to say aloud but couldn’t into the kiss, while his mouth repeatedly slanted over hers, savoring the sweet taste of her lips and tongue. They kissed deeply, passionately, their eyes tightly shut to block the heartache out.
Harry tangled his fingers in her hair, pulling her closer to his tense body and angling her head to explore every crevice of her mouth, as if he would never get the chance to do so again.
Stay with me.
Don’t leave.
Please.
Harry felt it coming from her even though she never once said it as they lost themselves for a few long moments. He was grateful to the silent plead, knowing it would destroy him to hear it out loud. Because for the first time since they met, Harry couldn’t give her what she wanted.
Her mouth tore from his in a loud gasp for air, lungs burning from the denied oxygen. Anna gathered the courage to look at his telling eyes, praying to see a change of heart from her silent plea, from her big grand gesture of taking a step towards bettering herself and being committed to making them work.
But the sorrow Anna found instead caused her to jump back, allowing enough breathing room between them.
He was really doing this. She was really losing it all. Her heart. Him.
She tried desperately to keep the tears that were pooling in her eyes at bay but failed miserably as the sobs overtook her, causing her to hunch over and hold her chest where her broken heart beat erratically.
“I’m sorry..”
His words resonated in her mind again and she felt her legs give out, dropping to her knees right there in front of him.
Harry stood there, his chest aching as he witnessed her fall apart, holding himself back from comforting her as he knew it would make him change his mind. And he didn’t want that. He tried to fill his lungs up with air but couldn’t.
He was suffocating.
“I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.” She repeated over and over, her sobs increasing in volume when she heard the tormented cry escape from his lips just as he fell down to his own knees, joining her on the floor in a puddle of emotions.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she cried, slowly crawling over to his trembling form. “I don’t want to lose you, Harry.“
Harry brought his hands to her face to capture the steady stream of both of their tears that were flowing freely together. ”Baby..” He choked out.
“I don’t want to lose you.. I don’t want to lose you..” Anna repeated in desperation, clawing and tugging on the collars of his light coat. “Please, don’t..I can’t…please..“
“Stop..baby, please stop..” His chest ached at her words, at the way she sobbed through them, the unbearable pain shaking them both.
It killed him to see her this way, to see them both so broken. At one time, he thought they were fixable, that they were strong enough to overcome the obstacles that came their way and that love would be enough to push through both of their insecurities. He had believed that true love always won.
But he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
———
The best way to describe how she felt hours later was absolutely hollow. They had clung together, desperately trying to avoid the inevitable of how final it would be when he walked out.
But sure enough, after the tears were all cried out until there was nothing left and they were both calm, Harry pressed his lips against hers one last time and said goodbye.
How Anna had the ability to stand and walk back into the bedroom, she didn’t know. But she found herself scanning the room like she was seeing it all for the first time, through new eyes.
Everything was different.
Just as she was about to climb under the safety of her blankets, a green sack in the corner caught her attention.
Harry.
He must’ve forgotten it here, only using it to transport new things to her flat that he would need if he decided to not return home for a few days, finding refuge there a lot of the time.
Desperately craving to have his scent around her, she walked towards it in a zombie like state and scooped it up by the strap. Once she had returned to the bed, she slowly sat and set the sack on her lap and inhaled deeply when it fell open, his musky scent surrounding her like a blanket, warming her instantly.
She went in search of a recently worn shirt, longing to feel the material against her skin. When her hand hit something solid, curiosity got the best of her. Pulling out the hard cover of what appeared to be a portfolio of some sorts, she moved the bag to the side and carefully flipped the book open.
A gasp slipped through her dry lips and her heart galloped strongly in her chest.
His sketchbook.
Anna had seen him countless times burying his nose deep in his sketches, working furiously after a hard day where he needed to feel some kind of control. She loved to lay back on the sofa, her feet on his lap and watch him as he drew whatever inspired him, her legs propping up a different sketchbook than this one.
He had always looked so at peace when he drew, his lips pressed together in concentration and the tip of his tongue poking out every few minutes when he worked on shading. It was the most adorable habit of his.
Harry’s toothy grin flashed in her mind when he would proudly reveal his ‘masterpiece’, as he would call it. His grin only grew wider at her jaw dropping open at the amazing talent he had for art.
The first sketch before her now caused the same reaction.
It was of her. She inspired him.
Her fingers traced how well he captured her essence and it surely proved how he had every freckle and shape of her features memorized. He perfected the way the wind blew the loose strands of her hair as she stared off into the distance and how she always parted her lips subconsciously when she saw something that piqued her interest.
He drew her the way he saw her through his own eyes. And she looked…beautiful.
“Oh, baby..” Anna choked when she noticed the date that was scribbled in the far corner.
10 December ‘13
Her phone buzzed, tearing her attention away. A strong surge of hope that it was him calling to check up on her sparked her to life and she dove to the nightstand and swept up the mobile.
“Harry?!”
Nothing could prepare her for the torn up sound of Danny’s trembling voice.
“Annalisa..”
And just when she thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, it did.
“You need to come home.”
Wild Winter's Day 