How It All Falls Apart (Part 2)
Harry had been blissfully excited after the initial shock wore off. A burst of happy laughter tore from his mouth and he swept her up and twirled her around.
“Oh my god. We’re having a baby!”
But then she had crushed every ounce of joy he felt.
The device pressed more firmly against her abdomen as it glided easily across her skin. It should have been uncomfortable. But it wasn’t. She should have been ecstatic like he had been. But again, she wasn’t. She wasn’t anything she was supposed to be. And she hated herself for this.
Anna took a shallow breath and squeezed her eyes shut tightly, wishing she could forget Harry’s pained expression before he stormed out of her flat.
And possibly out of her life.
Their life.
——-
“The whole world will come down on you and your family for your premarital sex tendencies!”
“Annalisa,” Harry howled with laughter. “My enjoyment of premarital sex is no secret to the world, much less to my family. Come on now, love.“
Anna scoffed. ”How can you joke right now? This is not a joke, Harry. Grow the fuck up.”
“Of course it’s not!” He argued, a hint of humor in his voice, avoiding the cruel words she had unnecessarily thrown at him. He moved forward and cradled her face in his hands, tilting his head to one side to gaze down at her frantic eyes.
“This is wonderful news, baby.”
She backed away, as if she had been burned by his touch. ”How can you be happy about this?”
His brows furrowed together. ”How can you not be happy?” Taking a step towards her, he laid his hand over hers that was back on her stomach. ”We created a life.. a baby.. Our love made this special blessing.”
“I can’t..” She moved away again, feeling the air in the room disappear from her lungs.
“Okay, what the fuck is going on with you? I thought you said you were ready to-”
“To be together.. in a relationship.. Not to be a family!”
Hurt flashed in his eyes and she immediately regretted it, her hard golden orbs softening.
“I’m sorry.. I didn’t me-”
“You are my family. Baby or no baby, wife or girlfriend.. Annalisa, you already are my family. My whole fucking world!”
She was stunned silent. Speechless. She fought to find the words, stumbling in her own mind, but there were none.
“I want kids.. I’ve longed for kids since I can remember,” he paused. “Are you ever going to be ready to do that with me?“
“I-”
Nothing. He waited several moments for her to continue, but all he got was nothing. She gave him absolutely nothing.
“Wow.. okay.” Harry nodded to himself in disbelief.
“Harry..” She reached for him but he was the one to pull back this time. “I’m not ready.“
He shrugged his shoulders then combed his fingers through his hair in frustration.
“But I am.”
“Harry,” she began, inhaling a shaky breath. She had to talk some sense into him, make him realize how this wasn’t good for them and everyone involved, including her own personal issues.
“What?”
“I’ve just now come to terms with dealing with my own demons.. I’m still in fucking therapy, for gods sake! I am not ready for a baby. Not to mention what kind of life this child would have.”
“Oh, bull. He would have a loving mother and father. And aunts and uncles and cousins who would adore him. He’s already so filled with love and support.”
Anna’s wide eyes grew in size. ”He?!” She dryly laughed.
“Or she,” he smiled at the clear image of a dark haired girl with her daddy’s crystal blue eyes and her mum’s signature curls.
“You’re out of your flippin mind and more naive than I thought.”
He felt like he had gotten slapped in the face. “What is that to bloody mean?” Her harsh words ignited the anger that he was trying to push down. But now it was coming up to the surface in a rush. ”Why are you being such an infuriating bitch right now?”
“I don’t want a baby, Harry! God..get that through your fucking thick skull!”
“Why the hell not?!”
If she could, she would laugh outright at how childish he sounded, almost stomping his foot like a kid who wasn’t getting his way. An image of a little boy with fiery locks and amber colored eyes like her own flashed across her mind before she forced it to disappear.
“I don’t want our child to grow up hearing the whispers in the palace halls or reading it in the papers that he or she is ‘the bastard child’! That’s not fucking fair!”
“Are you listening to yourself? You’ve never given it one single thought to anything about me being royal. I have never been Prince Harry around you. Not once, Annalisa! Why does this fucking matter to you now?!”
“BECAUSE IT’S REALITY, HARRY!” Anna exploded, startling both of them. She took a few deep calming breaths before she spoke up again. “It will resent us for this.“
“What are you saying then? You want to get rid of it? You don’t want to have my baby? Our baby.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what I want anymore,” she admitted, sadly.
His heart broke into millions of pieces as the life he thought he would have with her all came crashing down.
“Great. Well, there you have it. That’s fucking perfect.” He kept spouting out short sentences, venom dripping from his tone.
“Harry.. I’m sorry.”
His dark and blazing eyes bore into her frightened ones.
“Abort it then. I’m done here.”
——-
A lone tear slipped from the corner of her eye and rolled down onto the paper she was laying on, Harry’s broken voice as he spat his last words to her echoing in her head with the slam of the door as he left.
Stopping herself from running after him would be one of her biggest regrets. Because he should be here with her for this moment, holding her hand and smiling reassuringly. He should be here to see his baby. Their baby.
Anna fingered the infinity symbol on her ring, the pad of her fingertip looping the design, trying to find some kind of comfort. Another tear leaked out her eye and she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat.
She wanted Harry.
“Hm..strange..”
Opening her eyes, she blinked to rid the blurriness and focused on the physician who was staring at the fuzzy screen with a perplexed expression.
“Is something wrong?” She croaked out, a slight tremble to her voice.
“I’m not sure, honestly.” She kept gliding the device around, trying to find some answers but the frown that formed only proved she came up empty handed.
“What?” Anna asked, confusedly.
“There’s nothing there,” the physician stated in a form of a question rather than a statement. “See this right here? That’s your uterus and the baby should be around this area here. But there’s nothing.“
Anna felt a stabbing pierce through her heart.
“I don’t think I’m understanding. You mean, like..no baby?”
“No baby,” the older woman confirmed.
Another pain shot through her chest. No baby. She wasn’t pregnant.
“It happens sometimes where some women miscarry very early in the pregnancy without realizing they ever were carrying to begin with.”
Miscarry?
The haunting word created fear and devastation to course through her entire being.
“Mi-miscarry? I…miscarried?”
“I’m not quite positive on that. Did you notice any spotting or bleeding this morning?”
“No.”
“Any cramping?”
Anna shook her head, negatively, only to grow increasingly annoyed at the medical professionals frown deepen at that answer.
“Were you showing any signs of being pregnant? Nausea, mostly?”
“No.”
“Excessive tiredness?”
“I guess,” she answered then added after a beat. “But I’m working longer hours than usual and I’m on the night shift so I don’t really know if it’s from that or..“
The woman nodded. ”How about any bloating? Tender or sore breasts?”
She pondered it for a moment. ”Not really, no.”
Anna rubbed her lips together as she kept her sole focus on her doctors facial expressions, witnessing it transform from confusion to a new realization.
“Anna, before coming into my office yesterday, I’m presuming you never had any idea of the possibility of you being pregnant enough to find out?” When Anna just stared at her, she clarified. “You never took a test, am I correct?“
“I didn’t.”
A long beat followed as the doctor hummed in thought. ”There’s a strong possibility that you were never pregnant.”
Never pregnant.
“Never pregnant? Wait, what?”
The doctor smiled sweetly, still uncertain of what to make out of a test coming out a false positive when it was the most accurate way to confirm any false positives from a home test.
“Seems that way, dear.”
“Wow,” she breathed, unsure of what else to say.
This is what she wanted originally. She wasn’t ready to be a mother, not when she hadn’t completely dealt with her underlying issues about the future. Not pregnant were exactly the right words she longed to hear ever since she found out she was with child.
Then why wasn’t she happy?
“No baby,” she whispered to herself.
The doctor shut the monitor off and wiped the gel from Anna’s stomach. ”Why don’t you get dressed? I’m going to check on a couple things and maybe run some more lab work.”
Anna didn’t respond, just nodded and stayed flat on her back. When she heard the door click shut, she brought her shaky hands to cover her empty abdomen, rubbing it softly. She was kind of… disappointed.
“No baby.”
Just minutes ago she thought there was life growing inside of her. A life that was created out of unconditional love. A life that she didn’t want.
At first.
“No baby.”
A sudden cry tore from her chapped lips and she quickly covered her face and cried into them, uncaring about whoever heard her as she wailed, grieving the loss of something she never even had.
She wanted Harry more than ever now.
———
“Up! Up!” Anna heard from the living room, shrieks of giggles echoing throughout their home. When she turned the stove down and wiped her hands on a dish towel, she waddled her way to see what all the commotion was about.
Upon entering the room, Harry using their daughter as weights on his legs came into view, warming her heart. ”Dada!” The little one giggled, holding onto his pant legs tight with her hands balled up into tiny fists.
“Look, it’s mama!” Harry announced, grinning in Anna’s direction as he continued to lift the little rascal who was not going to let him stop anytime soon.
“What’s going on in here?” Anna asked, winking at Harry.
Bright blue eyes turned to her mum, excitement flashing in them. ”Mama, dada up, up!”
“Oh wow, daddy’s strong, isn’t he, baby?”
“Yup!” she let out a hearty laugh. “Up! Up!“
“I’m making up for not getting to the gym this week,” he explained with a chuckle. His eyes fell on her swollen belly where she had begun to rub softly. He lifted his eyes to her swollen breasts and wiggled his eyebrows, his attention going up to her face when she let out a boisterous laugh at how predictable he was.
They were beaming.
—
Anna woke with a start, dropping her gaze down to where her hand rested at her flat tummy, her dream fading to the corners of her mind. She sighed through her dry mouth, her nose too stuffy to breathe after all the crying she had done before she drifted off to exhausted sleep.
Her eyes shifted to seek out the time, the moon shining through the window informing her she had slept through the afternoon. But before she could see how long exactly it had been since her return, a shadowy figure turned to face her from the window, hands in pockets.
“Harry?” She squinted through the darkness to adjust her eyes, hearing the familiar clear of his throat.
“Yeah..hey.” He applied his full weight back onto his feet and started towards her.
“Hi,” she whispered, cautiously.
Harry sat at the edge of the bed as she sat up and pulled the covers to pool around her lap as a security blanket.
“I stopped by earlier but you weren’t around,” he said, eyes averted to the space above her head.
“I was at the clinic,” she explained, picking at the loose thread of the blanket. “I ran out of there yesterday before we could go further.“
“Oh,” he paused. “Is everything alright?“
She didn’t have the slightest clue as to how to tell him so she went with the rip the bandaid off technique.
“There’s no baby.”
Harry had to strain his ears to pick up on what she had whispered and once it registered in his brain, a sharp inhale bounced off the surrounding walls.
“You got a..” He couldn’t form the rest.
Anna’s eyes bulged and she shook her head violently. ”No..Harry, I would never abort our baby.”
Harry nodded and let out the big puff of air he didn’t realize he had been holding, until confusion settled. The same confusion she had experienced earlier.
“How do you mean?” He asked, his eyes finally meeting hers.
“There was never a baby. They somehow mixed up my file with someone else and when they found my blood results, the test was negative. They had me take another just to be sure and… No baby.”
“No baby,” he repeated just above a whisper.
They were silent for several long minutes, shallowly breathing as they stared at each other, willing the other to break the ice. But both were too frightened of where that left them, still too shaken up by what had happened.
Anna chewed on her lip nervously and played with her ring, something she was finding herself doing quite often. Harry’s gaze fell down to the movement and he let out a deep sigh.
“What are you thinking?” She broke the ice, although frightful of his reply.
“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully before lifting his blues back up to study her and asked her with genuine concern. “Are you okay?“
“I’m sad,” her voice cracked on the last syllable, wiping the wetness that had formed underneath her eyes.
“Why sad?” Leaning forward, his thumb swept away the fallen tears that had escaped, Anna leaning into his touch.
“No baby,” she whispered.
Silence settled once again, this time Anna silently crying as Harry moved closer to wipe away every teardrop that freely fell.
“Hold me?” She weakly requested and Harry immediately began to move behind her as she laid back down on her side, forming a spooning position.
“Are we okay?”
Harry swallowed back a lie that wanted to slip out, not wanting to hurt her more than she already was. He would give her his comfort and reassurance until morning. But he couldn’t lie to her either only to crush her with the harsh reality morning would bring.
Instead, he pulled her closer and hugged her as tightly as he could before placing a lingering kiss on her head.
“We’ll talk in the morning. Sleep now, love.”
And surprisingly, she did.
Wild Winter's Day 