How He Almost Lost Her
“Honey, I’m hoooome!” Harry announced, waltzing into the kitchen where he found Anna’s arms deep inside the filled sink, washing out the dishes she had used to prep the three course meal. He loved seeing her comfortable in his kitchen as if it were her own and couldn’t wait for the day where it would be hers.
“You’re late,” Anna commented, offering her cheek for him to greet when he wrapped his arms around her frame. “You’re in big trouble, mister.“
Harry chuckled, swaying her side to side as he relished in having her close after a long and boring day at the office. ”Sorry, love. Meeting was dragged on and on…”
He had missed her all day, unable to check his phone as often as he would like. But even if he could, Harry would be the one checking up on her. During his lunch break, he wasn’t all that surprised to find only one text from her (a simple ‘fine’ in reply to his asking on how her day was going), knowing she wasn’t one to bombard his mobile with calls and messages.
In the past, Anna had used the logical excuse of their conflicting schedules—not wanting to wake him while he slept during her night shift at the hospital— when he confronted on why she insisted on him being the chaser. But as they grew closer, she had begun to confide in him with some of the family skeletons. Her trust issues went as far back as when she was a child, having trouble opening up to her peers due to being on the move at any given time.
But what had shaped her on not being overbearing as an adult was witnessing her brother Luke and his wife almost divorce just months after her nephew was born over Kathie’s persistence on wanting to know where he was and what he was doing at every moment of the day. Anna had been caught in the middle, her brother automatically claiming her to take his side since they were blood and Kathie clinging to her friend for support. It was enough to make Anna vow to herself to never become ‘that girl’.
What struck Harry odd was that in previous relationships, getting overwhelmed from constant nagging messages was his biggest pet peeve, finding it extremely irritating and a turn off; and now that he was in a relationship with a woman who wasn’t chasing after him for attention, he almost wished she would.
“Mmhmm..” She hummed doubtfully as she rinsed off the soap from the baking sheet and piled it with the others to dry off. “Or you stalled so you could avoid helping me in the kitchen.“
“Nonsense,” he denied, burying his nose in her hair that was in an up-do, the intoxicating scent causing a dip in his lower belly. “You know I love cooking with you.”
Anna snorted, bumping his front with her backside to give her enough room to begin placing the dried pots and pans back in their designated cabinets. “Only because it gives you the opportunity to gloat when it comes out right.”
“Well, duh.” Harry gave her bottom a firm smack and smirked at her giggle. He watched her for a minute, appreciating the way her stretching up on her tiptoes as she reached high up inside a cupboard caused her shirt to ride up and reveal her soft milky skin. “Did you miss me today?”
“I’ve been too preoccupied with making everything perfect to have you even cross my mind..” She lied, ignoring the mock hurt face he pulled. Harry charged at her from behind, lifting her up and spinning her high in the air. “Eeek, Harry!” Anna screeched, laughing as he continued to twirl her around. “I’m getting dizzy!”
“Dizzy from my charming good looks.”
“Ha!” He set her back down on solid ground, steadying her when she stumbled. “Whoa..”
“Are my dazzling blue eyes making you weak in the knees, darling?”
She turned to face him and brought her arms around his neck, reaching up on her bare toes to plant a sound kiss on his lips. “They sure seem to have that effect on me, yes..”
Harry winked with a beaming grin and leaned down to capture her in another kiss, this time longer as their mouths worked over the other. What started off as an innocent display of affection quickly escalated as they continued to express just how much they truly missed each other, lips meshing together and hearts beating erratically. Harry let out a low groan that rumbled in his chest when the tip of her tongue begged for entrance and he happily obliged, his hands moving down to cup her bottom.
“Shit, the cake!” The sound of a timer going off made Anna jump back immediately and race over to the oven where she switched it off and pulled out one layer of chocolate cake, leaving a panting Harry as he ran his fingers through his hair. She peeked at his blinking expression and snickered. “Who’s the dizzy one now?”
“Ha!” Harry laughed with a nod. “Can’t help it if you’re an incredible kisser.”
She lifted a brow in spite of her blazing cheeks. “Dishing out compliments. I don’t know whether to be flattered or suspicious that you want something.”
“Both,” he simply said, making his way over to inspect what she had spent all day prepping. Anna jogged over to the refrigerator to grab the items she needed to finish up dessert. “I always want something.”
“Sex?” She guessed, going through the bottom drawers in search of the strawberries.
“Sex with you,” he corrected, lifting up the cover to peer into the pot. “This smells great.”
“Let’s hope it tastes like it smells then.” Anna whipped around when she heard the clink sound of a spoon against stainless steel, catching Harry tasting the tortellini soup she had just finished preparing. “Hey! Bastard.”
Harry ignored her protests, taking another sample of the steaming soup as she strode over to him and squatted his arm. “Hey, hey, hey.. don’t get any stains on the suit. Do you know how much this shit costs?”
Anna rolled her eyes. “Not as much as the surgery you’ll need to get rid of that spoon from your ass if you keep picking.”
“That’s pretty colorful. You’ve been spending too much time with Mags.”
“Nope,” she pouted. “Skip has stolen her away..”
“Is that still going on?” Harry lifted his brows, bemused. “Can’t say I saw that one coming. But it’s not as disturbing as I thought it would be.”
“I know, right?” She took the spoon out of his grasp while he protested. “We’re running out of time. Go take a shower… You smell.”
Harry poked her side and pulled a face. “How can I stink? I’ve been cooped up in an office for nine hours straight.”
“Must be your natural scent then, stinky winky.”
“Stinky winky? What the fuck?” He howled with laughter as he made his way out of the kitchen. “Please don’t call me that ever again.”
———-
With about twenty-five minutes left before the dinner guests would arrive, Anna had finally changed out of her sweats and shimmied into the flowy skirt that went along with the funky patterned blouse. She slipped on the nude heels and readjusted the hair clip that held up her straightened dark strands, sweeping the bangs that were separated in two and brushed to the side. For the majority of the day, she had mastered the art of keeping the anxiety in check, focusing on the new recipes she had pulled from the internet instead of the impending evening. But now that dinner was made and the table was set, the insecurities were being pushed to the forefront of her mind.
Strolling in the washroom where Harry was showering, she waved the steam away from her face and wiped the fogged up mirror. ”Fuck, I’m so nervous, Har… I’m going to throw up.” She inhaled through her nose and let the rush of air blow out her mouth before popping a birth control pill and taking a gulp of water from the faucet to wash it down.
“Relax, baby. You’ll be fine.”
Rolling her eyes, she reached for the tube of lipstick and applied it slowly, meshing her lips together to spread the red tint evenly. He had been voicing the same words over and over for the past few days and it was quite frankly getting on her last nerve. They’ll love you. It’ll be okay. Relax. If he said it one more time, she was going to scream.
What if tonight was a disaster? She would most certainly not be fine.
“I wish you’d stop saying that. You don’t know that.” She touched up her cheeks with a light peach colored blush and re-did the eyeliner on her upper lid.
“Are you insinuating I don’t know my own family?”
“I’m stating that you don’t own any psychic abilities and can’t possibly know they’re going to like me. Just because you do doesn’t mean they will.” She growled in frustration as she fought with the clasp of the locket from her mother, her hands too shaky to cooperate. ”Agh, I can’t get this friggin thing on!”
“What is it?”
“My mother’s necklace. I can’t get the clasp..”
“Leave it…I’m almost done here. I’ll do it for you.” He paused to splash water on his face, washing off the soap before deciding to try to get her to relax some with a joke. “Besides, who ever said I liked you?”
Anna laughed lightly, Harry grinning in success, before she groaned when she caught sight of the flyaway hairs of her hairline.
“If I could survive your brothers, then you can survive them.”
“Wish you’d stop saying that, too,” she muttered to herself„ taming her stubborn hair.
“You’ll be fi-” he caught himself and chortled at her huffing. “What do you want me to say?! It’ll go horribly wrong. They’ll hate your cooking and will think you’re a flake and we will have to break up in the result of a disastrous evening.“
“Shut up!” Anna cried, her stomach tightening as she checked the time. “You’re lucky you only have less than fifteen minutes before they get here or-“
“Or you’d ravish me? Have your way with me? I approve of that. They can wait.”
Anna snorted, tidying up the sink counter of her feminine products, keeping the locket securely in one hand. ”Down boy. You get none of that,” she said, a buzzing sound catching her attention. ”Someone’s calling you.”
“I’m finishing up, just answer it.”
She gulped. “Answer it? I can’t.. what if it’s someone I’m not supposed to be talking to?”
Harry chuckled. ”Like the Queen?”
“Yes, like the Queen.”
Harry evened his voice to come off being sincere. ”If there’s a crown icon, then it’s my Gran.”
“Are you being serious?”
“No!” He laughed at how gullible she was. “It’s probably Will or Mike. Check the caller ID.“
Anna picked up the device and peered down at the screen, catching an unfamiliar name for a split second before it changed to the Missed Call screen. ”It went to voicemail but it said Cressie?” Anna questioned, a strange feeling building in the pit of her stomach.
Harry stayed quiet, halting all movements. The only sound that could be heard was the strong spray of the shower splatting on the floor before swirling down the drain. The lack of a response was alarming, the feeling growing more intense as the time ticked on. But before Anna could voice her concern, his phone buzzed in her hand.
Cressie.
“She’s calling again.”
“Let it go to voicemail,” came Harry’s short reply.
“Why can’t I answer it?”
“Just let it go to voicemail, Annalisa.” Her curiosity didn’t lessen any by his curt tone.
“Who is she?”
“No one.”
“No one?” She repeated, bewildered. “Just a second ago you said I could answer it like it wasn’t a big deal.. then I tell you it’s her calling and all of a sudden I can’t? Yet she’s no one.“
“No one important.” Harry pushed the glass door open and stepped onto the rug, reaching for the towel that she left for him. He dabbed his face with it, avoiding her. Anna’s stomach tightened when she noticed his tense shoulders and the way his jaw was clenched.
“Harry..”
He paused, quickly glancing at her before averting his eyes. ”What?”
“You’re keeping something from me.” Anna watched him closely, confirming what she had suspected at the back of her mind for days. He didn’t reply, just continued to ruffle his hair with the towel. “No one.. sure sounds like it,“ she mumbled sarcastically, crossing her arms.
He looked up and glared. ”If I say she’s no one, then she’s no one. Drop it, Annalisa.”
“Excuse me? Drop it?”
“Yes, forget about it.”
“Okay,” she said calmly, her heart beating a mile a minute at his defensive behavior. She was going to have none of that. She had been avoiding this for too long, trusting him. But she wasn’t sure what to think about that now. “I’m going to ask you a few questions right now. If you don’t answer them, I want to warn you that I’m going to get very angry and I don’t think you want that right before I meet your family. I trust you to be honest with me. I trust you to not be dismissive when I want to have an open conversation.” Harry sighed in defeat, guilt and worry plaguing him as his chest constricted with it.
“Right.. I’m sorry.” He said, securing the towel around his waist and planting his hands on his hips.
“Can you please look at me?” His regretful eyes flicked to her panicked ones and both of their hearts raced at what was about to be revealed. “Who is she, Harry?”
He swallowed, formulating his response in his head before he would let them escape past his lips. “An old friend.”
“Did you fuck her?” Her bluntness threw him off as he staggered back a few steps. “Did you?” She insisted as he ran his fingers through his still damp hair.
“I have slept with her, yes.”
“Is she the reason why you disappeared on New Years?”
“Anna-”
“Is she who you went off to, Harry?” She sternly asked, her voice raised.
“Yes… but it’s not what you thi-”
“When did you last sleep with her?” Anna couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t stop the ache that had formed in her heart at his confession. She had more to ask—needed to know more— but she was terrified of the answer, her trust in him, in their relationship, slowly deteriorating with every response that came from him.
Harry dropped his gaze then, fixating on her heels.
“Did you sleep with her after me?”
Then he uttered the one word that crushed her.
“Yes.”
———-
Anna had never excused herself so fast in her life before, coming up with the lame lie of forgetting to turn off the stove. Her thoughts were spiraling out of control, her emotions were bouncing everywhere.. going from anger to hurt to sadness to anger again. Harry had tried to stop her, had tried to explain, but she couldn’t hear it. She didn’t want to know any more than she already did.
He lied to her. He cheated and betrayed her. He was no longer the man she thought he was. What was she supposed to do with that knowledge, minutes before she was due to meet his damn family.
When she heard his heavy footsteps coming towards the room just minutes later, her back went rigid and her mask went up as she quickly wiped the tears away to focus on getting her necklace on. She refused to let him see her tears.
Harry saw her struggling with her mother’s locket for a few moments, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he contemplated whether or not he should let her be. But he hated the silent treatment more than her actual yelling at him.
“Let me help you,” he said, shuffling his feet towards her back. But Anna shrugged him off when his hand softly grazed hers as she relentlessly tried to clasp the locket behind her neck.
“I’ve got it.” Her strong voice threw him for a loop.
“Annalisa..” He started again, touching her shoulder for a split second before she shifted away, causing it to fall awkwardly back at his side.
It tore him apart seeing her this way, shying away from his touch and being cold with his presence. He sighed, agitated with himself and his tendency of fucking things up.
“You’re angry,” he stated as a matter of fact, trying to spark some kind of life in her, snap her back to reality to face him with her thoughts.
He knew what she was thinking. He knew he had demolished any ounce of trust he had build with her. He had destroyed that. He had crushed her. And now he was left with the repercussions of it, scrambling on how to make it right.
“I’m not,” she weakly responded with eyes tightly shut. She was trying to block the pain that was demanding to be felt, the aroma of the food making her sick to her stomach. But it had a way of creeping up on her, no matter how much she stored it away for later.
“You’re upset.”
“No.”
“You’re shutting me out. Tell me what’s going on in your head right now.” She turned sharply and he swallowed, bracing himself for the hurricane in her amber orbs.
“Oh, am I shutting you out? Am I keeping something important from you, Harry?” He cringed as the words were thrown back at his face with venom. “Why don’t you just drop it? Forget about it. It’s nothing. Does that make it all fucking better?“ She was on fire and it was all to his doing. He wanted a fight, had been fishing for one ever since he had confessed, and she was damn well taking the bait now.
“Stop,” he said, taking a step forward. He brought his hands up to cup her face to calm her but she held him at a safe distance by placing her palms on his hard chest. If she weren’t so angry and confused, the feel of his body heat would melt every sense in her mind.
But she was fuming and nothing was going to stop her now. Nothing.
“What do you want me to fucking say?! What the fuck do you want from me?!”
“I want you to say the words.”
Her brows furrowed. ”What words?”
“You don’t trust me.”
“Trust you?” She parroted bitterly. ”Are you out of your goddamn mind?!”
“You’re jumping to conclusions that include me breaking every promise I’ve ever made to you.”
“Fuck you,” she spat. “You took it upon yourself to keep this from me. You could have avoided this if you just fucking told me you were screwing someone else.“
Harry’s jaw tensed as he clenched his teeth, getting close to the edge. ”Will you please calm yourself and hear me out?”
“No,” she crossed her arms, closing herself off.
“No?” He questioned, incredulously.
“That’s what I said.”
“Lis-” The doorbell rang out to interrupt him in possibly the most important explanation of events he would ever have to give, frustrating him further. “Fucking seriously?”
Anna’s eyes changed from fire to panic in a matter of seconds, the reality of this being possibly the worst timing to be meeting the group of guests. They stood there frozen, rooted to the spot as they just stared at each other, neither one of them knowing what to do.
The bell sounded again, this time more persistent as the people behind the door kept their finger annoyingly pressed against the buzzer. Harry ran his fingers through his hair that he had just gelled and sighed. ”That’s them.”
“I gathered,” she muttered, coldly.
“An-”
“Don’t,” she spat, brows together in anger. “We will discuss this later. Let’s just,“ she paused, taking a deep breath before exhaling slowly. “Let’s just fucking smile and act normal.”
He went to put his hand on her lower back to guide her to the door but she walked ahead of him in a fast pace, her skin crawling at the thought of him touching her.
“Right..normal.. Okay, then.”
————-
They adored her instantly, falling into easy conversation throughout the evening. Anna had bonded with Zara and Kate over cooking tips after they complimented the meal courses Anna had slaved over all day, and even shared a few recipes; while she had spoken animatedly about the latest trends and her musical abilities with Beatrice and Eugenie. They had learned about her military family, something that interested the guys at the table as she retold humorous stories of growing up with older brothers and a protective father.
“All I can do is thank god that this little one is having a rugby player for a father instead of a commander,” Zara joked as she patted her swollen belly.
“I don’t know.. whether you have a military father or a sports player father, I think he will always be overprotective of his little girl,” Anna said.
“I’ll shoot any little asshole that comes anywhere near my princess,” Mike threatened, creating laughs from the group.
“That’s why she’s got her mama to help her sneak out at night,” Zara cheekily said, blowing her husband a kiss at his playful glare.
“If she learns anything from ginger over there, you’re in big trouble.” Harry rolled his eyes at his brother’s jab at him.
“Now how did I know you were going to somehow throw me into this? Zara’s not so innocent either, you know. And I haven’t corrupted your child yet, have I?”
“Ha!” Kate laughed. “He does seem to be more rowdy after he’s spent some one on one time with you.”
“The little rascal,” Harry smirked, still feeling like a proud uncle every time George was brought up to him.
“He’s beautiful,” Anna commented, receiving a warm smile from Kate.
“Thank you.. I think he is too but I may be biased.”
“He’s looking more like Kate as he gets older,” Will said.
“Thank god for that,” Harry muttered.
“No,” Kate laughed. “He makes these really adorable faces that remind me of William.. Here, let me show you some pictures..” Kate reached inside her clutch and pulled out a few new pictures. “I just took these a few days ago when we went for a stroll in the park.” She passed the pictures around the table, grinning proudly at the aww’s and compliments.
“Awww.. he’s such a heartbreaker already,” Anna said, smiling wide at the sight of the chubby cheeks she wished she could pinch.
“He is!” Kate agreed.
“Now that he’s getting from me and my dashing good looks,” Harry said, taking the photo from Anna. Their hands touched in the process, sending sparks down both of their arms before she quickly pulled away and rested her hand on her lap, ignoring the pain that was buried deep inside her chest.
“You wish,” Will rolled his eyes. “We’re just thankful he doesn’t have the red hair.”
“Hey! What’s wrong with red hair?!” Beatrice scowled.
“Nothing, darling,” Dave comforted, rubbing her shoulders before throwing a look at Will, creating more laughter.
“I’m sure George would love to meet you next time,” Kate said towards Anna, causing Anna to stumble over a reply. She didn’t know how else to react with her relationship with Harry up in the air at the moment other than to offer a polite thanks and that she would love to meet him.
The conversation shifted towards Anna’s nursing career, everyone intently listening on as she answered the numerous questions about her schooling and which hospital she was registered at.
“Great Ormond?!” Beatrice exclaimed, her bright wide eyes fixated on Anna.
Anna giggled at her enthusiasm and nodded. ”Yeah, I’m a night nurse.”
“I adore the staff there. I was actually at a charity event back in November. What a small world.”
Anna took a sip of the white wine Harry had poured her before replying with a nod. ”Yes, the Reuben foundation! I heard it was a great night.”
“Oh, yeah,” Beatrice laughed. “I was forced to dance quite a bit.“
“Forced to dance? What a load of crap,” Eugenie muttered, taking a hefty gulp of her fresh glass of wine.
“Shut up, dancing queen.”
Anna was enjoying herself, becoming more comfortable as the evening went on, feeling stupid for stressing over how tonight would go. They had been nothing but warm welcoming and normal. She scolded herself for thinking otherwise, always seeing Harry as nothing but a normal person. Why would his family be any different?
“So, Anna..” Kate asked, interjecting the two sisters that were engaged in playful bickering. “How long have you been at Great Ormond?“
“Wow,” she thought, her brows furrowing together, discreetly counting on her fingers. “Going on five years now.“
“How is it working the night shift? It gets you away from Harry’s snoring,” Zara joked, sticking her tongue out when Harry pulled a face.
“I do not snore, thank you very much.”
“I’ve bunked with him,” Mike started. “I can confirm that he has a sinus problem during extreme heat.”
“Sodd off,” Harry grumbled.
“The overnight shift is actually not as bad as you would think. It’s quiet which could be a good and bad thing. But I find it goes fairly quickly.”
“How the bloody hell did Harry charm such a intelligent woman as yourself? Slip in judgement, I presume?” Will jabbed, grinning when Harry rolled his eyes and groaned.
“Okay, I can see how we are going to casually gang up on me now.”
“Ha!” Anna laughed, squaring her shoulders before throwing a quick glance at Harry. “It was his stalkerish ways, really. I became frightened for my own life if I didn’t agree to see him. He had gotten my email and number without my consent. God knows what else he would have looked into.“
“Bank accounts and birth records were next,” Harry said.
Anna extended her hand in a ‘there you have it’ gesture. “Prince Charming, everyone.”
——
While dinner went without a hitch to the others, there was tension and forced smiles between the couple that only Will and Kate had picked up on. He had known Harry his whole life, was familiar with his behavior when he was sweating over something that was occupying his mind, even when he had the rest of the world fooled. And Kate had looked to her husband to say something to him early in the evening when she caught him staring intently at his brother, causing her to observe the couple closely as well.
It was the broody expression he held whenever he wasn’t conversing with the others, his lips pressing together whenever he would steal a tense glance at the chatty woman at his side, and the drawn out sigh that escaped him when she would refuse to look his way. There was also the added evidence of Anna holding her breath and shifting in her seat uncomfortably whenever Harry would brush against her in the most innocent way.
Something was definitely up.
———
“That went well,” Harry commented, following Anna into the living area. She didn’t reply and Harry knew they were back to where they had been right before the doorbell interrupted them. “They seemed very keen with you..“ Nothing. “Kate even asked for the gravy recipe.” Silence. “And Bea and Genie invited you to lunch next week before they leave for New York.“
Anna wanted to scream at him to shut up, the chitchat only annoying her as he tried his best to get her to talk to him. She wanted to talk, needed to even. But nonsense chatter wasn’t what she had in mind. Sitting down slowly on the soft cushion of the sofa, she evened her breaths and cleared her throat while slipping her shoes off.
“I’m ready to hear you out.” Glancing up to meet his eyes before averting her attention elsewhere, she waved her hand towards the coffee table and Harry slowly made his way to sit on the hard surface. He leaned forward, clasping and unclasping his hands in a nervous habit. “I want the truth.“
A sharp intake of air was heard as Harry gathered his thoughts. ”What do you want to know?”
“Everything. Start from the beginning. Who is she exactly?”
He licked his dry lips, tasting the remnants of the sweet wine he had consumed. ”We met through Bea. They were friends for a bit and I knew of her for awhile before we met. Chelsy and I had just come to terms that our relationship had run it’s course and we no longer felt the love we once did for each other. I was…heartbroken to say the least. I had been with this person for years and I didn’t know how to grasp who I was without her.”
He paused to let that soak in for her, wanting to make sure all of that was settling okay with her before continuing. She nodded, not once meeting his intense gaze. “Okay, I get that.”
“So when we ended officially, we knew it was for good. I got engrossed with drinking too much and partying and that worried my friends and my family. That’s when Bea introduced me to Cressida. She had hoped that we would become an instant item, and we did to some extent. It was more physical than anything as I tried to mend a broken heart. But I was still so unhappy even after I felt okay with the break up. I was still longing for someone that would give me that..feeling for the lack of a better word.”
Scooting closer to the edge of the table, he reached forward and cautiously grasped her hands in his, willing her to look at him. But she couldn’t. Not just yet. Instead, she let him hold her trembling hands as he finished explaining.
“Then I met the most incredible, beautiful, loving woman who was the missing puzzle piece to complete my empty life. She made me feel good and loved and I was finally…happy.”
“Oh, another woman I don’t know about?” She muttered, sarcasm dripping in her cold voice.
“Annalisa…” Harry squeezed her hands and sighed, tilting his head to one side. “I’m in love with you. I never fell so hopelessly in love with someone as quickly as I did with you. From that first moment I saw you in that red dress, I knew you were something precious, a breath of fresh air when I felt like I was suffocating and gasping to breathe.”
He paused again, clearing his throat. “I wanted to email you that same night and everyday thereafter but I waited.”
“Almost two weeks, to be exact.”
“Yes, that’s right. Do you know why?” She shrugged, nonchalant. “Because I was still in some sort of relationship with Cressida and I had to wait to pursue you until I ended things with her. I didn’t want to be that guy that started something life changing with you while I strung her along.“
“But it was okay to fuck her after the fact we were in a relationship?”
“I didn’t sleep with her until you broke up with me.”
She rolled her eyes, not letting him see the new information lifted a tremendous weight off of her. It still didn’t change the fact he slept with her. “Right, so you waited until we were on a break so you could screw her.”
“That’s not what happened,” Harry sternly said before lowering his voice to a gentle tone. “Anna, I didn’t know that at the time it was a temporary break, did I? You were so set on your issues of being with someone that you told me you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t be with me. You didn’t want me.”
She looked up suddenly with his last words, her face softened. ”I never stopped wanting you, Harry. Not for one second. It had nothing to do with that.”
“Well, you see.. My mind became unclear after a copious amount of booze that night. I had a million and one insecurities rise up and I couldn’t deal.”
“I’m sorry. I truly am. That’s not what I intended.”
“I know it’s not. But I’ve gone through that so many times before. And the thought of not being with you ever again…it shattered me, Annalisa. So I drowned myself in whiskey after whiskey…”
“And that’s when you went to Cressida?”
“No,” he firmly denied, playing with her hands. ”No, I did not go and seek her. She showed up at the pub I was at when I was already out of my mind and…things just escalated from there. I don’t really remember much from then.”
“You slept with her once then?” His face contorted into panic and crushing guilt as he shook his head. She saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down nervously, speeding up her heart. “It wasn’t just one night?“
“No..”
The pain was shooting through her again, paralyzing her as she screwed up her eyes tightly.
“How many times?” He shrugged weakly, pressing his lips together. “How many times, Harry?“
“Up until we agreed to be friends.”
“Oh.”
“After we started the friends thing, I broke all ties with her. And I was certain that was over until she showed up on New Years completely sloshed and demanding to speak to me. She was calling today to apologize for acting like a fool and to wish us the best. She said if I was happy then she was okay to move on.”
So that explained that.
“So, what? You used her?”
“We used each other,” he stated, simply, not going into greater detail. ”If it’s any consolation, I thought about you the whole time she and I were together. You were the only one on my mind, Annalisa.”
“Bullshit.”
“Wh-”
“No, no…You were on my mind the entire time we were apart. I was at home in my own bed…alone, crying over us and how fucked up I am. I was dealing with the repercussions of my actions… hurting while I thought about you, while I dreamed about you when I allowed myself sleep. You were the only thing on my mind as I tried to get my shit together. So don’t you dare feed me lines about me being the only one occupying your mind while your dick was getting acquainted with someone else.”
“Anna..”
“I get that we weren’t together, Harry. That was my doing and I regret that. But the difference between you and me is that the thought of another man’s hands on me sickens me because all I want is you. You went out and fucked someone else the moment we were done.. That kills me.”
The knife in his heart twisted. ”I’m sorry..”
“I thought you were different. But you’re not. You’re just like every other guy,” she said, mostly to herself.
Silence settled between them, both breathing shallowly as they kept their eyes locked, both pained by her last declaration.
“Are we going to be okay?” Harry asked, his stomach in knots.
“I..” She didn’t know how to answer. In her heart, she was sure the answer was yes. But in her current state of mind, she couldn’t answer truthfully without having some process time. “I need to be alone for a bit. Can you respect that, please?“
Harry released the breath he had been holding, nodding as he felt his heart breaking all over again. ”Of course, yeah. Do you want me to drive you home?”
“No, it’s fine,” she answered. “I just need a little bit of time away from you right now. I’ll be in the other room.“
“Okay. I love you.”
She didn’t reply as she stood and released her hands from his tight grasp before walking away from him, leaving a disheartened Harry.
———
She replayed the conversation over and over in her head as if she thought it over enough, the outcome would somehow miraculously change. But it didn’t. He had slept with someone else.
The sting of tears were becoming too much and Anna bowed her head in defeat as she let the teardrops roll down her cheeks and splat onto the marble floor. A whimper escaped her, concealing a tortured cry that was buried deep in her chest. The pain coursed through her, crushing her wind pipes, leaving her gasping for air.
All she could see was Harry with another woman.. loving someone who was not her with his hands and mouth, tangled in foreign sheets while Anna was home, losing sleep and crying over him.
Anger replaced the hurt, pushing the shattering pain away. Who she was more angry with, she didn’t know. Some of it was directed towards him for his way of coping with their failed relationship. But when it came down to it, she hated herself.
It was her fault. If she hadn’t told him to go, if she hadn’t let her fears take over.. if she hadn’t destroyed them then he would never have gone to find solace in someone else’s arms. He would have been at home—with her—while they did what lovers do.
And now she was faced with a decision.
———-
Harry spent the whole two hours by himself on the sofa she had occupied before she left him, hunched over with bent elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. For the first half hour, he took a call from his brother.
“Trouble in paradise?” Will asked while his wife busied herself with getting George ready for bed.
“She knows about Cressida,” Harry sulked.
Will hissed with a cringe. ”Shit. I’m guessing she’s not handling it that well?”
“Right this second? Fuck knows, really. She doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“Has she gone home?”
“No, she’s around here somewhere… Asked for some space. I offered to take her home but..”
“She declined?” Will sounded optimistic. “I would take that as a good sign. Have you actually discussed what happened? Surely she can’t be too upset if you didnt really cheat on her.“
“Yeah..I explained and she knows we were broken up when it happened but she had some valid points.” He sighed heavily. “I don’t really blame her for fucking hating me. I would enjoy some time away from me, too.“
“Hey, don’t beat yourself over this. You weren’t thinking rationally. Which is understandable if you think about it. I mean she did end things..”
“I know but…I can’t help but be so disappointed in myself. I fuck up, I’m known for that-”
“Har-”
“But this is the one damn thing I don’t want to fuck up, Will. I love her. You know how long it’s taken me to get to this point in my life. I’m done with all the bullshit…I just can’t find a way to quit fucking up.”
“Listen, it’s no secret the mistakes we all have made. It’s in the bloody papers for the world to dissect, for Christ sake! Kate and I haven’t always been smooth sailing and we still have our moments. That’s what being in an adult relationship is about. You won’t fuck this up.”
Will offered up some more brotherly advice, advising him to give her space as she processed his actions. He told him it would be fine, reassuring him with the fact that she stayed at his flat instead of wanting to go back to hers.
But after they hung up, Harry was left alone with his insecurities once again. He didn’t know if he was able to survive another break up, especially over something like this. He had hurt her, just like she had hurt him. While he knew that was a poor excuse, he couldn’t help but hold onto that out of fear; fear that he had ruined them forever.
Threading his long fingers through his messy hair, he looked up and was startled with her unannounced presence. Anna stood at the entrance of the room, watching him as he battled with his inner thoughts, something she had been doing too.
“Hi,” he said, swallowing back his nerves, his chest tight as he fought to even his breaths at the look of her puffy eyes.
“Hi,” she softly replied. She bit her lip shyly and pushed herself away from the frame to walk towards him, holding his gaze.
Anna climbed onto his lap and buried her newly washed face in his neck, Harry instantly wrapping his arms around her tightly, his head leaning on hers. ”I fucked up. I’m sorry,” he apologized.
“I’m sorry, too. You were right. We weren’t together and I shouldn’t have doubted you about that..”
“But it was a complete dick move on my part and I should be more fucking mature than to handle it that way. I want you to know—I need you to know—that I would never cheat on you, Annalisa.” Anna sighed and clung to him tighter, praying they would never have to utter the cringe worthy promise again. ”I don’t want to lose you.”
“I know.”
“Do you hate me?”
Her heart ached at how small his voice was, guilt stinging her for making him think she did. “I could never hate you, Harry,” she said in a breathy whisper.
“Are you mad at me?” He asked while soothingly rubbing her back.
Anna was silent for a minute. ”A little bit. But I’ll get over it.”
“Would flowers and a box of chocolates help?” A smile graced his features when he felt the puff of air on his neck from her half hearted laugh. “I’ll even throw in a bag of peach rings as a bonus.”
“I’m holding you to it.”
“You got it, babe…Are we okay?”
“No more secrets?” she mumbled against his skin.
“No more secrets.”
Anna lifted her head and peered into his hopeful eyes. “I love you, too.”
Harry beamed, relief washing over him when she returned his affections from earlier. She smiled back at him, the first genuine smile that was directed at him all evening. He brought his hands to cup her face as she leaned on him, their chests pressed together before their lips met in a slow sweet kiss.
They were okay.
Wild Winter's Day 