How Their Label Changed
Swirling the red liquid in the cheap crystal glass, Annalisa sighed heavily. She sat alone at the piano, the glow from the fully rounded moon illuminating the dark room. Lifting the glass to her mouth, she peered out into the night and let the sweet taste of the wine slide down her throat smoothly. The city was still buzzing with life, even at the late hour. Cars were speeding by, tires splashing through massive puddles from the torrential rain that had finally stopped.
There was no clock in the room, something she intended. There was no sense of time when she was surrounded by the cool blue walls that were decorated with photographs of her family and portraits of paintings that brought comfort to her soul. Time didn’t matter within this peaceful space.
But she could tell by the feel of the night that she should have been in bed hours ago, gearing up for a meeting with Paul to discuss her involvement with the organization coming to an end. It ate at her, tearing her insides at having to do this when Paul had been nothing but sweet and patient with her. It was fun and fulfilling, sure. She enjoyed spending her free time testing out her creativity at planning the events. It brought her closer to home, to past times when she would join her family giving back to veterans.
But it was also something that she couldn’t bear to do any longer. Not when the pain of losing Ben being refreshed once again in her heart. Not with Finn heading off to war, the unsettling possibility of never returning back to them.
Sleep was impossible more so than ever before with all the thoughts swimming around, her mind refusing to shut down for just a couple of hours to rest. So she had thrown the covers off her, agitated, and padded her socked feet into the music room with a clear glass and a bottle of wine that she picked up after her shift ended, hoping to find some inspiration at the piano.
But she couldn’t find an ounce of inspiration. She couldn’t find solace. She was too.. empty.
She thought back on the day as she poured the third glass of wine she was about to consume.
——-
“Oh Anna-leelee, it’s nana. I’ve just read the paper and it says here you and your prince are to announce your engagement following Christmas. I would like to give my input on which tiara would look best on top of that mess of a mop you call hair. Call me before you go on and choose to wear the Girls and topple over in front of millions of people, embarrassing your poor old nana.”
A small smile tugged on her lips. Her grandmother was best described as a stern military wife and mother, Anna finding it difficult to keep up with her at times. There was no doubt her stubbornness came from her father’s side of the family. A sense of comfort warmed her at the sound of her grandma’s voice.
She immediately called her back as she stepped through the door of her apartment, thinking nothing of the early hour back in Boston, knowing her grandma was up before the crack of dawn to read the paper and gulp down black coffee in the stillness of the early hours.
It wasn’t too deep into the conversation before Anna poured her heart out, telling her grandma of everything that had happened in the past couple of weeks. The nightmares that haunted her. The shock and hurt of Finn’s news of deployment. Pushing Harry away and letting her fears overtake her. Breaking up with Harry.
“I don’t know what to do, Nana.” Anna sniffled, anguish filling her voice.
“Listen to your heart.”
“I don’t know..”
“You’re smarter than this,” she scolded. “Your heart is the only thing you should be paying attention to, along with your Nana.”
Anna felt the sting of the tears. “Nana…”
“Listen to me, Annie. You are a bright young woman and there’s no doubt that you can see the look of love in your amore’s eyes.”
“I don’t doubt my amo-” she caught herself and blushed. “Harry’s love for me. I just.. I can’t, nana.” Anna cleared her throat to rid the emotional distress that caused her voice to crack.
“Oh, my dear Annie.”
The rare soft tone her always stern grandma used broke Anna as she let out a quiet sob. ”I’m scared. I’m scared to love, I’m scared to lose… Scared to give myself completely to only be left behind.”
“Oh, my sweet Annie. There are no guarantees in love or in life. But living in fear is not living. Taking risks is living. Loving your prince and giving your heart away can bring you the most bliss. Your grandpa took my whole heart and now all I have are memories. But the memories I hold dear to me bring me bliss until I can dance with him again.” Anna shook her head, wiping the flow of her tears with the back of her hand. “There is no greater feeling in the world than loving and receiving love in return. That Henry loves you, baby.”
“I know but…” Her phone beeped in her ear, interrupting their heartfelt conversation. She looked at the screen and felt her heart race. “Erm—Nana, I’ve got another call..”
Rosemary smiled, recognizing the slight shake of her granddaughters honey voice. “You tell that Henry I say hello, hm?”
After a quick goodbye, she took a calming breath and wiped away the rest of her tears, counting to five before picking up the line. The last thing she wanted was for Harry to know she had been crying. ”Harry?” She winced at the vulnerable way she sounded.
“Yeah,” Harry answered, coldly. “Obviously.“ Anna’s eyes slid shut at the harshness of his tone. He was still very much upset with her.
“Oh, um.. Hi..,” She stumbled, nervously. “Hello.“
“Yeah, listen.. I left some things there that I need back.” Harry didn’t want to beat around the bush, still not yet ready to have a civilized conversation with her. He knew he was being childish, he was aware of the foolish way he acted the last time he saw her. But he couldn’t bring himself to care.
“…Oh,” came her dumbfounded reply.
He waited a beat for her to continue. But she didn’t. She was too stunned at his distant and cold demeanor towards her.
“There’s something there that I need tonight before the press conference tomorrow.”
“Oh, um..yeah.” A million thoughts swirled around in her head.
He had every right to be angry with her, to be hurt and confused. She had unintentionally led him on, making him believe they had a future together. They discussed marriage and children, even spending an evening googling the possibility of a brunette and redhead conceiving ginger haired babies. And when Harry mentioned Anna meeting some members of his well known family, she knew he was taking their relationship to the next level.
He was all in.
Anna sighed, catching a glimpse of the crushed pieces of wall. ”How’s your toe?” She asked in genuine concern.
“How’s your wall?” He retorted.
She licked her dry lips, trying to keep the conversation light in spite of his bitterness. ”It’s seen better days.”
“So have I,” Harry answered in annoyance.
“Har-”
Harry clicked his tongue. “I think it would be best if you weren’t around when I stop by to grab my shit. I have to finish up some things before I can head over. So I’ll text you in a few hours?”
And just like that, the crack in her heart echoed in her ears, his words stealing her breath.
Shortly later, they disconnected and Anna was left alone in her empty flat, confusion angering her. She tried to keep her mind occupied -the whirlwind in her head enough to make her go mad if she sat for too long- whilst waiting for his text to become scarce so he could do what he had to do.
She angrily pulled out the articles of clothing from the dryer, tossing them into the basket. She reached into the machine for the last item that was stuck in the back and stopped short when she felt the material in between her fingers. A plaid button down shirt. Harry’s plaid button down shirt.
Gathering it up between both hands, she brought it up to her nose and just before she went to inhale the scent, she threw it to the side, as if it had burned her. Letting out a wail, she kicked the laundry basket and slammed the door to the dryer shut, her hands smacking the surface as she breathed deeply through her nose.
She was stupid, so fucking stupid to think he wouldn’t still be upset with her. Of course he was. He had every right to be. Hell, she was furious with herself.
After allowing herself time to calm down, counting each inhale and slow exhale, she forced herself out of the laundry room, not being able to bear to see another thing of his being mixed in with hers. She made her way to the living room and sat on the sofa, turning the telly on to get lost in some mindless programmes.
But the picture came to life and Anna almost burst into tears. Right there, clear as day, was Harry. Her mind screamed at her to turn it off, to turn away and not stare at him. To switch to another channel. But she couldn’t. She didn’t want to.
He looked good. Really good. Mingling with his teammates for the upcoming adventure he was about to embark, leaning forward towards his Gran to crack a joke that made her insides melt. He was adorable.
She imagined standing there with him, giggling along at his cheesy remarks, leaning into him to whisper how proud she was of him, how manly he looked standing there with his arms crossed, his fingers resting on his lips. She imagined teasing him, telling him to stop shuffling his feet because it was distracting and making everyone else anxious. She imagined being there with him, as his wife.. as his partner.
The pain in her chest became unbearable as she peered at his handsome features, an ache and longing for him intensifying.
Quickly switching off the television, she stood up and wiped away the tears before busying herself with tidying up.
Her mind went back to the message her Nana left her earlier that morning. She recalled her mentioning the paper, reading reports and stories of them becoming engaged soon. The press would have a field day after discovering that that wouldn’t be the case after all.
Shit.
The press would be all over this in just a matter of time. She hadn’t even thought of what that could mean for her family back in the States.
“Ugh.” She grabbed her mobile and began dialing.
“Hey, what’s up?” Came Finn’s voicemail.
“Hey, it’s Anna.. Are you ever going to change that lame message?” She forced a chuckle, trying her best to sound nonchalant. “So anyway.. uh, I wanted to just give you a heads up before Nana went babbling around.. Harry and I..” She paused, gathering up the courage to voice the words that crushed her every time they escaped her lips. “We.. broke up.” Rolling her eyes, she continued on. “I know what you’re thinking. Anna fucked up after I told her not to. I know, I know.. but, yeah.. Call me back, okay? Love you, bye.”
She moved on to Danny, praying she could catch his voicemail, calculating the time difference quickly in her head. It was just reaching half past eight in the morning there. He was most likely on his way to the office or to the courthouse.
“Morning, honeybee. To what do I owe the pleasure of this pleasant surprise? It’s early.”
Shit. No such luck this time. “Sorry, Danny.. Am I catching you at a bad time..?”
He chuckled, rummaging through the cabinets. “Well, I haven’t had an ounce of caffeine yet but.. I’m brewing coffee right now so you’re good. What’s up?”
Anna took a breath. “I wanted to just check in with everyone and.. let you guys know that soon there will be some reports coming out about Harry being back on the market and..”
“Back on the market?” His tone dripped with surprise.
“Yeah, we broke up.”
“Oh, honeybee, are you alright? Do I have to kick the fucker’s ass?”
“Ugh,” she said, disgusted. “You are almost as bad as Luke.”
Danny gasped in mock horror. “How dare you compare me to that asshole.” Anna lightly laughed. “Oh, Anna.. are you okay?”
She rubbed her lips together. “Umm..”
“What happened?” He asked, softly.
She sighed, telling him everything just like she had done with her Nana. “I fucked up, Danny. Like, really fucked up. I’m just.. such a fucking mess.”
“Hey, listen, you’ve come a long way, Annalisa.”
She let out a sarcastic laugh. “Sure, until I let my stupid head get the best of me and push the best thing that has ever happened to me out the door. Oh yeah, I’ve definitely come a long way.”
Danny couldn’t describe the worry he felt upon hearing her come down on herself. “Anna.. don’t be so hard on yourself. Shit happens. You pick yourself up, brush the dust off, and carry on.”
“Alone.” She added, sadly.
“You don’t have to be alone,” he commented. “If Harry is the one for you, then you’ll find a way to push through this and end up together.”
“Okay, Hallmark.”
He laughed loudly, pouring the coffee that finished brewing into his travel mug. “Sometimes you and Gabe are the same person, I swear.” He sobered up. “But I mean it. Maybe you should talk to someone again.. You can contact-”
“I don’t know if I want to go through that crap again,” she interrupted. “I don’t know if it’s going to do any good. I talked to someone for years after Ben…”
“Then maybe you and Harry should go together.. Work it out together,” he suggested. “You don’t have to go through this alone, Anna.”
“I’m not going to drag Harry into all of this fuckery, Danny..”
“You are so goddamn stubborn, do you know that?”
She snorted. “Whatever. I is who I are.”
“Deranged? Yeah, I can see that.” He cleared his throat. “You know you can always call one of us if-”
“I know,” she added quickly, eager to finish off the conversation. “I gotta go. I still have Kathie to call-”
Danny laughed. “So you can avoid Luke?”
“Yes. I don’t need to hear him count the ways of how he can dismantle Harry like he’s some construction tool.”
After a couple more minutes of light chatter and a heartfelt goodbye, Anna dialed the next number. The conversation she had with her sister-in-law was short, Kathie being busy running around to get the kids ready for school. But even during the chaos, Kathie offered up her own advice; basically the same advice she had gotten from her Nana and brother.
“Have you talked to your mom or dad?”
Anna cringed. “Uh, no.. I’ve been dodging my mom’s calls and my dad is still pretty upset with me after I,” she lowered her voice to mimic her father’s manly tone, “made life altering decisions without discussing with the family.”
Kathie belted out a humorous laugh. “That was dead on.”
“Thank you.”
“I think you should really talk to them, Anna. Your mom is always so insightful and your dad.. He misses you..”
Anna felt the pang of guilt rise in the pit of her stomach. She really did miss her parents, too. But she was so afraid to speak to them, afraid of what they would think of all of this. She definitely wasn’t up to hear her father’s negative remarks, and she wasn’t willing to hear her mother defending him.
“I miss them, too,” she said.
“Shit!”
Her brows lifted in amusement as her nephew’s voice rang out from the background.
“Benny! What have I told you about using those words?!” Kathie yelled, the phone temporarily pressed to her chest. “I swear, I’m going to murder that a-s-s for swearing like a sailor in front of them.”
Anna snorted. “Kath, you do know your kids know how to spell now, right?”
“Shit,” she cussed, before giggling at her own slip.
—-
Three hours later, she found herself walking aimlessly through the chilly November evening. Harry had sent her a short ‘On my way’ text fifteen minutes ago, causing her to frantically pull her coat and scarf on and scurry out the door.
Hands in her coat pocket, she puffed out the cold air, counting each of them to keep herself from slipping into despair, forcing herself to become numb to the hurt she felt deep within her chest.
She wished she could be with him. She wished she could run back to her place to catch him, to give him everything he wanted. She wanted to jump into his arms, confess she loved him, wanted to be them again.
But she couldn’t erase her nightmares.
But did she really want Harry to disappear from her life? Could she walk away from him completely and go about her life as if they had never met?
She knew she couldn’t.
But there was no way Harry would even consider friendship. He outright hated her, he made that perfectly clear.
So what now?
Her phone buzzed, alerting her of Harry’s text message.
‘All yours. Check the Peace Lilies’
Her brows furrowed at the cryptic message, confused at his mention of the plant she had outside of the front door. She power walked her way back home, curiousity fueling her fast pace as her feet pounded the pavement.
When her eyes fell on the planted flowers that were neatly tucked in the corner of her entryway, her heart pounded in her ears. With calculated steps away from the lift and towards the plant, she brought her trembling hands out of her pockets.
And as her fingertips felt the cold hard object that was hidden in the ceramic pot, her knees buckled and she sank to the ground, choking out sobs.
His key.
——————-
Harry stared at his mobile, willing it to light up with her number. He did this often, more specifically at night as he laid in bed, absolutely pissed after an evening of ever flowing drinks with his mates. This wasn’t the first time they were picking him up after a breakup. But not once did they comment on that, not once did they throw that in his face. People could say what they wanted to say about the circle of friends he associated himself with, but when it truly counted, they were always there with no questions asked, no matter how repetitive it became to keep him from contacting her or leaving her a nasty voicemail throughout the nights.
They listened to him as he leaned on them for support, Skippy offering drink after drink until he loosened up and his tight lipped mouth slackened, causing him to become a blubbering mess. Jake and Tom were known for getting him home safely, discreetly keeping him upright the moment they saw him swaying too far to avoid unwanted attention. He had Beth and Liv to thank for mothering him, showering him with comforting hugs and giving him a look into a woman’s perspective. Mags was always there to ask if he wanted her to contact Anna, to get some answers, to persuade her in changing her mind. He always declined, but not after a moment of mulling it over.
But tonight he had stayed cooped up in his home, heating up some leftovers Kate had dropped off earlier and catching up on Britain’s Got Talent. After a long hour, he was restless, the strong urge to hear her voice consuming him. He missed her. He missed her so fucking much. And it ticked him off.
She broke his heart. She shattered his dreams of finally being with someone he could share his life with, who he could start a family with. He was ready to settle down. He was ready to be a man. And she had given him hope again. Hope that someone could love him for him. Hope that there was such a thing of the cliched true and everlasting love. She made him believe. Believe that he was good enough, that loving him was worth all the bullshit.
Why did this always happen to him? What was so horribly wrong with him that no decent woman was willing to accept him? All of him.
“Fuck!” Harry threw himself back and growled in frustration, rubbing his haggard face with rough hands.
He hated this. Hated that she did this to him.. to them. But he understood it. Of course he did. He understood the nightmares, the fear of losing someone dear to his heart. He had experienced the pain of that, too. Nightmares kept him awake at night, too.
But he was able to work past that. Because she was worth it.
And he wasn’t. He was never worth anything. He was never enough.
Regret. He was definitely regretting declining the offers he got from his mates to hit the town. Because now he was left unsupervised to ponder all of the insecurities that kept coming forth to mind.
He flipped the telly off, blinking at the sudden darkness around him.
The memory of being alone in her flat just hours ago came crashing down on him. It had been eerily quiet the whole time he was there. And he could still remember her sweet scent filling his nostrils as soon as he stepped into the apartment, hitting him right in the gut. He stood there for a few minutes, frozen, and his eyes scanning the place that had become familiar to him.
Now he felt like a stranger in her home.
He had pushed his way around to gather his belongings, deliberately pausing in the bedroom where several loving memories rushed through him, crushing him further. His hand had lingered on her soft pillow, his breathing had become shallow at the realization that he would never snuggle with her again.
He had shaken off the sadness as soon as he felt it, replacing it with anger instead as a defense mechanism. Hastily grabbing various items that hung around as if they belonged there, he stuffed them into his duffel bag and turned to go.
Nothing had felt more final than the moment he dropped the key into the potted plant.
Now hours later, here he was. Still thinking about her.
Harry slouched further down on the sofa, his leg bouncing as he wondered what she was doing. Was she thinking of him? Was she staring at her mobile, waiting on his call? Did she miss him like he missed her? Did she think of him every second of the day, regretting tearing them apart?
He repeatedly tapped on the black screen as he contemplated on what to do. ”Oh fuck it.”
The line rang and Harry’s anxiety level rose with each passing moment. He almost hung up, even tearing the phone away from his ear before her tired and broken voice came through. ”Harry?”
He didn’t reply. He couldn’t. The last couple times he spoke to her, he was cold and mean. He was too tired for that tonight. ”Harry? You there?” The sadness was present in her soft spoken voice.
“Hey.”
Anna’s heart beat wildly in her chest at his gravelly greeting, her palms sweating as she fought for control over her emotions. Fuck it felt good to hear his deep voice speak to her without a trace of bitterness. So good.
“Hi,” the one syllable was said above a whisper, causing Harry to press the phone closer to his ear. “Is.. Is everything okay?“
His answer was instant, his tone raising an octave. ”Yeah, sure.. umm.. Everything’s fine. Just.. I don’t know.. wanted to apologize for.. the other night.” A half smile slowly formed on her lips. At a different time, she would tease him, as they always did with each other. But she couldn’t now. Not when they were still fragile. ”Did I wake you?”
“No, no.. I was up.” She sighed, leaning forward to place the wineglass on the smooth surface of the piano. She listened intently to his uneven breaths, chewing her lip as the emotions coursed through her, unsure of what to say, afraid to set him off into an angry rant. “I.. I saw you on the news. That was very nice of you.. having the team meet your gran and grandpa.”
He chuckled, laying his head back on the couch and stared up at the high ceiling. ”It was great fun witnessing the bunch get shaky with nerves like little schoolgirls.” Anna let out a light laugh, grateful to witness his playful nature again.
“Came up fast, didn’t it? The trek,” she paused. “Your.. toe. Will it be healed enough in time?”
Harry smirked. “Worried about me, yeah?”
“Yeah, well.. ya know..” Anna grinned sheepishly and shrugged.
“The doctor says it should be fine.”
Silence settled between them. But it wasn’t uncomfortable, strangely enough. They both sat there, phones pressed to their ears, staring into the dark as they breathed in sync.
“I miss you.” Her whispered confession pulled at his heartstrings.
He sat forward and rested his elbows on his knees. ”Anna..” He huskily breathed her name, Anna’s heart galloping at the memory of him whispering her name that same way in her ear as their bodies were joined as one, as they moved in sync.. chasing away all the fear and doubt that plagued her.
“I just.. God,” she laughed at herself, the word pathetic taunting her. “I don’t fucking know anymore. I miss you, Harry. I can’t sleep. I can barely function at work.“ Tears welled in her exhausted eyes, pooling in the corners to blur her vision as she gushed to him, the words rushing out of her. A lump had formed in her throat and she tried desperately to rid of it. The last thing she wanted was to break apart in front of him.
But the quick sharp intake of breath that came from him made her control start to slip. ”I want you in my life. I need you in my life. I can’t lose you, Harry. Can’t we just.. I don’t know..” She proceeded with caution, “try to be friends?”
Her words suddenly angered him, causing him to snap in respond. ”Friends?” He spat. “I don’t want to be your fucking friend, Annalisa.”
Anna blinked, taken aback by his outburst, expecting a softer reply, and feeling foolish for suggesting such a ludicrous thing.
But she understood where he was coming from. She didn’t blame him one bit. He had every right to be angry with her. “Goddamn it! You were the one that did this. You promised me you wouldn’t pull away. You gave me your fucking word. Then you went back on it like it meant shit to you.” He breathed deeply before continuing. “Now you’re telling me you miss me? You want to be friends? Fuck that shit. You did this, Annalisa.” She broke his heart, after promising of that never happening. She repeatedly promised to stay at his side, to confide in him when things got heavy. And she broke every single one of her promises.
The tears spilled over her cheeks and she sniffled. “I know.”
Harry’s heart ached at the sound of her softly crying and had to wipe at his own damp eyes, frustration evident in his tense posture. He shook his head before clearing his tight throat. He had spent too much time crying, too many sleepless nights missing her, letting his weakness get the best of him.
He was over it.
But no matter how broken he was, how much devastation paralyzed him during the hours before dawn, he couldn’t stop loving her. He couldn’t stop himself from missing her. Missed the way her soft curls tickled his chest as she slept cuddled into him. Missed the soothing melody of her happily humming above the stove as she fixed him a meal. Her hearty laugh as she threw her head back at something he had said, and her uncontrollable giggles at his constant teasing.
He dreamt of her bright smile, of the freckle that rested below her lower lip. He dreamt the way she would worry her lips, chewing and biting them until she cracked the skin and her round cheeks turned pink in embarrassment when she caught him staring.
He longed for her, yearned for her in ways he had never before about anyone. Anna was exactly what he had hoped for in a spouse; she was hardworking but never once complained about the long grueling hours at the hospital because it was her passion. It was her job, but she didn’t treat it as such. Helping children, caring for them and bringing hopeful smiles to their faces.. it was rewarding. But she wasn’t just loving with the children. The way she spoke of her family, the way she was loving towards him.. she melted his heart.
He sighed, rolling his eyes at himself for being so weak. ”Okay.”
Anna’s ears perked up. “Okay?”
“Friends, sure.”
“Yeah?” The corners of her mouth lifted up. It wasn’t a wide smile like usual but a hint of one, a hopeful one.
“Yeah,” he said, slightly smiling.
“Okay. Friends.”
Wild Winter's Day 