How She Found Her Way Home
“Hey, you.”
“Hey, sorry I missed you.” The excited smile on Harry’s face wavered at the sound of Anna’s sullen voice. ”I was on a three way call with Human Resources and Head of the Nursing Department for like an hour.”
“Sounds lovely.” Harry commented sarcastically, switching the telly off before sliding further under the covers to stretch his legs. A low hum vibrated in his chest as the muscles in his calves sought out relief from the stressful day. He had been waiting for her call, fighting to stay awake long enough for it by watching mindless television. ”I don’t remember you mentioning a meeting with the hospital.”
“Unexpected,” Anna murmured, rubbing small circles on her throbbing temples with her forefinger and thumb. She desperately wished he were there to ease her stress headache, his hands always succeeding in doing so just by stroking her hair softly.
“Were you discussing a possible return?” Harry asked, his voice raising an octave in a hopeful nature.
“I think you know the answer to that, Harry,” Anna snapped, irritated not with him, but the predicament she found herself in. ”You would be the first to know about that.”
“Oh-kay.” Harry was taken aback by her snippy tone; clearly she was in a mood and he knew she was about to take it out on the wrong person. ”What’s gotten you so pissy this evening?”
“I’m not,” she defensively said. She heard the snort come from the other end of the line and let out a long sigh before weakly apologizing. “I am. I’m sorry.”
Her inner bitch had been making an ugly appearance more than usual lately, the load on her shoulders becoming heavier and heavier as the weeks went by and the challenges kept being thrown at her without warning. Just when she thought she had reached the point of being ready to head back to London, red flags went up all around her.
She could see it all happening, the demise of the close knit family after the glue that kept them all together was now gone. They were quickly unraveling. Luke took up drinking, fueling the marital spats between him and Kathie. Finn had sounded tired and fatigued when she last spoke to him. Danny was becoming more quiet and introverted than she could remember. And then there was her mother, a woman she remembered to be full of life, but now had lost the bright smile that once reached her sparkling eyes. Anna didn’t know what to do to fix everything, knowing the one person that could bring them all back was now somewhere in the clouds, never to return to them.
“You wanna tell me what’s up or should I call Mags to find out what the hell is up your arse today?”
“Sorry,” she muttered, knowing his agitated tone towards her was well deserved.
“You started it by being mean first.” Another heavy sigh filtered through the phone and he instantly regretted it. If she were acting this way, it could only mean she had had a terrible day. “Shit, I’m sorry, love.. What’s wrong? What was this conference call for?”
“I think I’m quitting.”
Harry blinked in surprise. ”You’re what?!”
“Well, it’s either that or I have to return sooner than I would like to.”
Harry’s chest constricted at the disappointment in her vague explanation. She made it out to seem as if there were months and not weeks to go before she would even start the thought process of returning back to him. He could sense the pressures of home growing increasingly alarming, but he couldn’t stuff down that ounce of jealousy and selfishness of wanting her there with him. He never confessed it, not wanting to add more weight to her shoulders, but he needed her now more than ever with the ups and downs of planning the games.
“Okay,” he began cautiously. “While I get you’re not ready to come back yet, is there another reason for making such a rash decision?“
“It’s not a rash decision,” Anna argued. “I’m…fuck, I don’t know what I am.”
He didn’t buy it. ”I think you know exactly what’s holding you back. What is it, peaches? Is everything alright over there?”
“No.” The single syllable felt like a heavy elephant in the room. “But it’s not even that..“
“What is it then?”
“I-” she broke off, her eyes moistening with unshed tears. She didn’t want to cry, she didn’t want to throw in the towel and allow the painful memories from creeping back into the forefront of her mind when she had spent a solid two months doing her best to move on from it. But it was too late. The first tear slipped from the corner of her eye and rolled easily down her cheek before going splat as it met the mahogany desk. His desk.
Harry’s brows knitted together in concern when he caught her shallow breathing and the softest sniffle come from her. ”Baby..”
“I watched my father take his last breath, Harry. I watched his eyes shut, so exhausted and sick. I saw him let go. But..” Her trembling voice cracked and Harry felt his heart break at the sound. Swallowing the large lump in her throat, Anna inhaled deeply and continued. ”But it still didn’t sink in..we were all still waiting to see his eyes open..to see his chest rise and fall..until…until the nurse checked his pulse.”
“Annalisa..”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, the tears flowing freely down her flushed cheeks. ”S-she said I’m so sorry and that…that was it. I-it was over. Everything was…done.”
The miles that stretched between them had never felt more real than this moment. Harry hated this. Hated not being able to see her, not being able to comfort her and kiss the tears away that fell from her pretty eyes. His hands itched to reach out and gather her in his arms, to comfort her and shower her with all of his love.
“I’m sorry, baby.” His heart ached as he listened to her cry, not being able to do a damn thing.
Anna flicked the droplets away with a finger. ”And I hated her, Harry. I hated that this stranger had the authority to make it real..to..I don’t know, almost like smack us in the face with the harsh reality.” She sighed, still angrily wiping a fresh round of tears. ”Then I realized that…I was her. How many times have I uttered the same fucking thing to a family? How many times have I had to crush their entire hopes and dreams for their helpless little child? How many fucking times did I throw reality in their faces?”
Harry didn’t know what to say or what to do to make it better. He couldn’t pretend to understand, his experience was different than hers. His job was different than hers. So he did the only thing he could do: listen.
“I’ve always seen my job as this wonderful thing. Saving precious lives and making sure they don’t forget the ability to smile through the obstacles. I was proud to be in the medical field. I took pride in reviewing the charts and briefing the next shift. But being on the other side… God, for the first time, I hated who I was. I hate the fact that I’m a nurse, Harry.”
Harry was growing increasingly worried by the direction she was going, by the resentment in her voice.
“I think that…I mean, I’m sure that every medical professional goes through those same feelings, Anna.”
“I know,” she nodded in agreement, sniffling the stubborn remaining tears. “I know….I’m just all sorts of fucked up.“
“You’re not fucked up,” Harry quickly responded in a hard tone before softening. “You know that I’ll support any decision you make..I’ll stand by you and encourage you..“
The corners of her mouth twitched. ”But..?”
He took a moment to breathe slowly, formulating his next words carefully so he wouldn’t easily offend her, especially in the current state she was in. ”But I can’t help but think this is you running away.”
“I’m no-”
“You’re running away from yourself because you’re hurting, Annalisa. I know you are… I know you.”
She opened her mouth to protest then shut it immediately. He was right. He did know her. He knew her more than she even knew herself at times as scary as that was. “Damn it. Have I ever told you how much I hate it when you’re right?”
“Ha! Once or twice…”
“Well, that’s because that’s how rare it is.”
Harry clicked his tongue and scowled. “You fucking wish.” He sighed into the phone and Anna’s stomach flip flopped at the sound, immensely missing the sense of completion she felt in his arms. ”Listen, I’m not going to push you to do something that you’re not ready for. If you don’t feel like you’re able to return back to your position at Great Ormond, then take the time you need to figure out where you want to go from here.”
“Yeah, except I have to make a decision in like five days so there’s time to file the paperwork for renewing my visa.” She growled and muttered, “Really kicking myself for not going through with my citizenship papers.”
Harry chuckled at her procrastinating tendencies, deciding to not even touch that one to get her riled up. He thought for a long moment with his lips pressed together. Then his lips pulled up high. ”Well, there’s a solution to every dilemma.”
“What’s that?”
“You marry me.” Anna barked a laugh, the stress immediately melting. “Are you laughing at my proposal?”
“This is sounding more and more like a marriage of convenience novel, Henry.”
“What? Marrying me for a visa?” He guffawed. “Sorry to disappoint your fictional world, darling. Marrying into the family requires you to be a Britain citizen already. No green card allowed.“
“Damn…but I can still marry you for your money, right?”
“Ha!” He laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “Mi casa es su casa.“
Two days later, Anna made her final decision when Lily sent her a video of her little birds taking turns answering why and how much they missed her. She knew she had a certain ginger to thank for that.
*********************
Three Days Later..
The open freeway in photographs always captured the symbolism of venturing off into the unknown, to discover the beauty of an unfamiliar world or to search one’s self. For Annalisa, there was no symbolism as such as the car sped on. She couldn’t see the road that stretched ahead, didn’t pay mind to the other cars that rode along side her. She was oblivious to her surroundings and to the miles she accumulated as the scene she ran from replayed in her mind.
—-
“Don’t you think it’s a bit early for the hard shit?”
Luke slammed the empty whiskey tumbler down onto the counter, causing Anna to flinch at the harsh sound. ”Fuck off, Anna. I’ve had a bitch of a day and the last thing I need is for you to come in here all fucking high and mighty to lecture me.”
“Whoa! Prick alert.” She quickly stepped to the side when he made no attempt to move around her as he stalked to the doorway. He stopped short when she bitterly muttered, “Maybe what you need is to spend some time with your kids instead of drinking yourself into oblivion.”
Anna could see his jaw tense with the amount of force he was clinging his teeth when he whirled around to face her. ”You know shit about what I fucking need!”
Her brows knitted together in anger, not appreciating the venom in his voice as he spat at her. ”I know what your kids need and it’s not to watch their father drink heavily at two in the fucking afternoon!”
“What’s going on in here?” Lucille entered the room, followed close by a concerned Kathie.
“Nothing, Ma,” Anna answered before pointing at her brother whose face was becoming redder by the warmth of the amount of amber liquid he had knocked back and the rage boiling inside of him. “Just discussing Luke’s fathering skills deteriorating.“
That did it. Luke marched towards her, out of his mind. ”Don’t you ever comment on my ability to be a good father. You know shit about being a parent.”
Anna had to take two steps back, slightly afraid at the fire that blazed in his eyes as he pointed a finger in her face. Kathie quickly stepped up and pulled at his arm, calling his name and begging him to take a walk. “Get the fuck off of me!” Luke tore his arm away from his wife, too far gone to let go of the fight he wanted to hash out with his sister. It had been a long time coming.
Watching him shove Kathie away only added fuel to the fire and Anna pushed at his chest without thinking with a great force that made him stumble back, off balanced. ”Don’t push her away like that, asshole! Show her some goddamn respect like you were raised to!”
Before anyone knew exactly what was happening or what words had caused the argument to change direction, shouts were bouncing off the walls by the two Caro siblings.
“YOU WEREN’T HERE! YOU DIDN’T SEE WHAT WE FUCKING SAW!”
“BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING TOLD ME UNTIL IT WAS TOO FUCKING LATE! LIKE ALWAYS! MY FATHER WAS DYING AND NOBODY THOUGHT TO TELL ME!”
“MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T RUN OFF LIKE A LITTLE BITCH-”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU FORGET THAT WE LOST A BROTHER, TOO! HE WASN’T JUST YOURS!”
“Guys..please stop this!” Kathie tried, tears threatening to spill as she stood back and watched the scene before her. Lucille was at her side, clutching the necklace around her neck while her heart broke into a million pieces.
Luke whipped around to address his wife. ”NO! MY FATHER DIES AND I CAN’T HAVE A FUCKING DRINK WITHOUT BEING INSULTED!” His harsh breaths were coming out uneven as he yelled at the top of his lungs, silencing the three women. ”BUT NOBODY CAN SAY A DAMN THING ABOUT HER GOING CRAZY AND FUCKING THE FIRST GUY TO GIVE HER THE TIME OF DAY!”
Anna was shell shocked and the entire room (Luke included) was dead silent, the walls no longer vibrating with the force of the screams. Kathie and her mother stared at her with mouths agape while Luke ran his fingers through his hair in effort to calm himself.
Anna was embarrassed, absolutely humiliated. ”Fuck you, Luke,” she whispered, almost as if she had been defeated.
“Yeah, ‘fuck you, Luke.’” He laughed dryly, still heated but no longer getting his point across by escalating his voice. “‘Luke is the shitty one in the family.’ Well, who was the one trying to keep Ma together while her little girl was off fucking around?“
“Stop it, please.” Lucille begged at once, not being able to witness the hatred between her two children any longer. Not being able to bear the hurt that flashed in her only daughter’s eyes.
“No, Ma! She needs to hear this! She’s always labeled as the ‘good girl’ who does nothing wrong. It’s fucking BULLSHIT! I hope Harry knows what he’s gotten himself into by getting with a bitch who’ll spread her legs for the next douche that calls her pretty.”
The slap that cut him off echoed with the loud gasps. They were startled, including Anna as she felt the sting in her right hand. Long seconds ticked by without a word being spoken, everything standing still. It was only when one of the kids, Anna couldn’t recall which one, had approached the scene that shook her out of her frozen state. Without a word, she turned and fled.
—-
She drove on.
For the first forty-five minutes, Anna was so angry that all she could see was red. Her foot firmly held down on the accelerator, pushing the car almost to it’s limits without caring. She wanted to scream, to toss profanity around in the air like a sailor. How dare he twist it all around on her, insinuating such degrading things. Her knuckles turned white from her unrelenting grip on the steering wheel, inwardly seething.
She was his sister, a woman.. No, a person. He had no right to treat her that way, with such disgusting disrespect.
Then humiliation set in and the tears rolled hotly down her cheeks as she wept openly, the gasping sobs wracking her body as the wheels kept spinning on the freeway.
Her family saw her as a flake when it came to the heavy part of life. They resented her for years following Ben’s passing and her move to London. Luke had revealed the truth.
But what hurt her heart the most was the distaste look on her brother’s face as he spat in her face for what had happened between her and Chase. He was ashamed of her. They all were. Everything she feared was all out in the open, bringing validation to her insecurities. She didn’t know how to handle that.
And so she kept driving away.
After her tears subsided, she reached for her phone to dial the one person she knew she could always count on. She needed to hear his gravelly voice to calm her racing thoughts before they got stuck in the dark corner she ignored. But he didn’t answer. Again. She tried several more times without success, a defeated sigh slipping past her lips when his voicemail would pick up instead.
Tossing her mobile to the side to prevent herself from pitching it out the window in exasperation, a green sign in the near distance caught her attention. She blinked her eyes repeatedly, thinking she was reading it wrong. But as she got closer and closer, the printing was clear as day.
Welcome to New York, The Empire State
Without realizing it, she had somehow found herself back in the city where she spent the last years with Benjamin. It startled her how she immediately felt like she could breathe a little better when she had thought the opposite would occur the next time she had to set foot in the city. In fact, it was the reason why she hadn’t returned yet even after Daniel and Gabe kept inviting her for a weekend since being back in the States.
Taking a deep breath, she drove on by letting the wheels take her where they wanted. Several attractions sparked gratitude within her. She was thankful for all the good times she had here in the city, something she had forgotten since losing her best friend. She passed by places that made her smile in remembrance. Such as the cafe she worked at during her college years, flashes of evenings when Ben strummed his guitar while she closed up; he knew she was afraid to stay at the shop by herself late at night and would keep her company without her having to ask him to. Or the jazz club where he insisted on her joining him and his friends, only to push her on stage to sing a Sinatra classic.
She made her way to Washington Square Park and paused for a few minutes. It was bustling with college life, students laughing and lounging on a blanket that was laid out over the freshly cut grass. Something she used to do.
—
“Anna, think fast!”
The football smacked her right dab in the gut, making her double over. “Ow! Ben!”
Ben jogged over with concern etched across his dark features, his curls that were identical to her own blowing with the breezy April air. “Shit, are you okay?”
She slowly stood up with his assistance and once she made it known she was exaggerating the pain, she smacked his arm and shoved him. “Jerk!”
Ben let out a boisterous laugh, causing the attention of the other fellow students to shift on them rather than of a volleyball match or the endless amount of pages of a study book. ”The look on your face! Ha! Classic Marcia Brady.”
“You could have caused me internal bleeding, asshole!”
Ben rolled his eyes and pulled on her loose curls annoyingly. “That’s a bit melodramatic, dontcha think?” She clicked her tongue in response. “Relax, you’re fine.”
Anna narrowed her eyes at him. “Right, we’ll see what you’ll be claiming as you hover over my dead body.”
Ben bent at the waist to retrieve the ball that fell nearby and tossed it up in the air. “In that case, it would be nice to have the house to myself without your shitty music blaring through the wall.” He started jogging backwards and bent his arm at the elbow, forming a throwing position with the football. “Retry!” He called out just before he threw the ball expertly and Anna caught the ball in a fumble.
—
Coming back to present time, Anna chuckled and shook her head at the memory just before she switched the gear back to drive and drove the short few blocks before coming to a stop right in front of the place she once called home.
—
“Ugh, gross!” She quickly tossed the sweaty sock that had been thrown carelessly back into the hamper where it belonged and shuddered, rushing over to the sink to wash her hands.
“What are you bitchin’ about now?” Ben asked from the doorway.
“Stop leaving your nasty socks all over the freakin’ floor! Guys are literally the most disgusting creatures on earth.”
Ben guffawed. “It’s just a sock.”
“A sock that smells like ass!” She exclaimed, her face twisted in disgust. “I seriously don’t know how your sweat can be so vile.”
He grinned, pinching her cheeks. “You’re going to make one bitch of a wife one day.”
“Well, I’ll be sure to marry someone who has the decency to pick up after himself unlike you.”
“Ha! Good luck with that.”
—
Ben plopped on the sofa next to hers and reached over for a handful of popcorn that Anna had been munching on for the past fifteen minutes. “Whatcha watchin’?”
“Clueless,” she replied, eyes glued to the screen.
“Nice,” he chuckled and propped his feet up on the coffee table, his army boots looking foreign on the expensive piece she had purchased at some antique shop.
Anna looked over at him with her eyebrows lifted up in surprise. “Nice? You like this movie?”
“Sure,” Ben shrugged, chewing with his mouth open. “Alicia Silverstein is fuckin’ hot as hell.”
“Silverstone,” Anna corrected. “And of course you would say that.”
“What? Don’t act like you don’t watch this shit for Paul Rudd.”
“Ha! Yeah, okay.. he’s pretty cute. I’d do him.”
“Agh, Anna!” He covered his ears and pulled a face.
“What?” She asked innocently with a chortle. “I would like to mention that my hearing is impaired at 19 years old from the amount of times I have to blast music in my ears to drown out whatever party of bimbos and drunks you and Finn bring over.”
A grin spread across his face as he folded his arms and leaned further back to lay his head on the sofa. “Ah, I’m going to miss these crazy nights. I swear that prick knows how to pick ‘em. Nice and busty.”
“You guys are disgusting. We cannot be related.”
Laughter tore from his lips. “You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.”
“Hardly.” She muttered just as Finn barged through the door. “Hey, I heard Dad kicked you out.”
Finn shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever, I’m crashing here for awhile.”
“Sure, you’re welcome to stay. How nice of you to ask first,” Anna said sarcastically.
Finn waved his hand dismissively and nodded his greeting at Ben. “How did you hear about that, anyway?”
Anna and Ben answered simultaneously.
“I heard it through the grapevine.”
“She heard it through the grapevine.”
“So Danny and Gabe?” Finn guessed, ignoring Ben’s burst of amusement when Anna nodded in confirmation. “Gossip queens.”
“So what happened this time?”
“I rather not talk about it,” he murmured, switching focus to the scene on the tv. “What is this shit?”
“Clueless,” the twins chorused together.
“Sweet. Silverstein is hot.”
“Silverstone.” Ben glanced at Anna with a smirk on his face and chuckled when she shook her head at the both of them.
“I don’t know how I got stuck with the two of you.”
Ben looped an arm around her neck to put her into a loose headlock. “Because you loooove us…”
“Ew, no.” Both brothers howled with laughter, Ben still holding the headlock while Finn approached the sofa to sit on her, applying half of his weight on his sister. “Ow! Your bony ass, your bony ass!”
“Say you love us!”
“No!”
Finn applied more of his weight on his sister. “Say it!”
“Never!”
—
Anna wiped the wetness from under her eyes and giggled as the sounds of the three musketeers’ laughter drifted as did the memory. She sat back and sighed, puffy red eyes still gazing at the townhome.
Home.
It struck her how different the word sounded in her head as she stared at the front door. This used to be the place she thought of when she heard it, even after she had moved to London. She always visioned the rooms the way she had decorated them and Ben’s room that she never once touched until she had to pack up. It was her home for a long time, long after she had moved.
But now as the word resonated, this place wasn’t what came to mind.
A buzzing in the cup console caught her attention and she scooped it up to check the incoming call. Harry’s cheeky grin appeared on the screen and her lips curved up, heart galloping in her chest.
Home.
******************
Two days later…
“Fuck! Why do I always bite more than I can chew? It’s like I have this sick pleasure of torturing myself and…I don’t know, setting myself up for failure.”
If any cameras were to take a picture of him sitting on his bike feet away from the gates, he knew what the headlines of the Daily Mail would be.
Prince Harry caught in a love spat, had to cool down by riding around town.
He tried to use his head and keep conscious of his whereabouts for that reason alone. But as soon as he pulled past the gates, his mobile vibrated in his chest pocket and he knew it was her. He couldn’t park the bike and fling off his helmet fast enough.
“Hey,” Anna said, clearing the lump that had formed in her throat. Her hands itched to caress his cheek, her fingertips tingled to smooth the crease of his forehead. “Let’s take some deep calming breaths, okay?“
Harry practiced breathing deeply through his nose and exhaling slowly out his mouth with her assistance, his eyes shut as her angelic voice calmed his racing heart.
“Listen to me,” she said slowly. “You are extraordinary, Henry Wales.” Harry snorted then pressed his lips together when she scolded him. “You are. Don’t sell yourself short. There are still months to go and with the promotional stunts you have lined up, ticket sales will soar. These things take time.”
He sighed, shaking his head and pinching his nose. ”I know they take time. I do know that. It’s just… Shit, Anna.. What if I let these guys and girls down? That’s what’s tearing me up inside. I want—I need to do this for them. They deserve it. I can’t fail them.”
“And you won’t.”
His lips curved at the unwavering confidence she had in him. ”How can you be so sure about that?”
“Because, Harry, you have already won. Those soldiers have already won just by achieving what they have to get to this point. You cannot fail when you have already succeeded.”
Her words sunk in and hit him deep in his chest. He sat back on the bike, feeling a tad bit lighter than the start of his rant just by three sentences from the woman who supported him and had such faith in him.
“I love you so fucking much,” he breathed out in a rush. “God, I really do.“
“I love you, handsome.”
“I’m missing you immensely. I hope you know that.”
Anna bit her lip, trying to keep the tears at bay so he wouldn’t be able to hear it through her voice. ”I know. I miss you, too.”
Harry let out a breath and switched the phone to his other ear before looking up at the starry night. He was stalling, not particularly adoring the idea of showering alone and eating supper with the table set for one. And the emptiness of her side of the bed was becoming too overwhelmingly lonely at night. ”I can’t wait to cuddle you.”
Anna couldn’t wait either. In fact, she was feeling more homesick with each passing day. She wanted to get back to work, going stir crazy at doing nothing for so long. She wanted to have her flat back, missing the independence of having her own place. She wanted to sleep in the same bed as him with his strong arms wrapped around her, making her feel safe and loved.
She wanted to go home.
Wild Winter's Day 